December To Remember: Last Entry of 2012

Dear Friends,

I know I have been hiding during the transition between Thanksgiving and Christmas but if you don’t know, I don’t like this time of year. I decided to do this last blog of 2012. I am not depressed but more so trying to fight the winter blues. I guess this is a better than moping around or wallowing in sadness. I really don’t know what to say to end this year because most of what I had to say was said. I guess I can do what I do best in these blogs: ramble to a point.

One thing that has kept me busy is working. Even though working during the fall/winter is shorter and more time in between, I still find myself trying to keep active. I know most of my friends would be happy to see this happier me but it is a façade to keep you all from not worrying about me. One thing I have been good at for the last few years is not showing people my true emotions. No need to have people worried and scared.

Something else that has kept me busy is the search for a real relationship. That concept does not exist in this world we live in. I say that because most women are looking for someone that can either support them mentally, financially, or both. I have tried to find something different from what I have been with. I also have become desperate because it is not like women are not knocking at my door to be with me. I guess as I approach my 35^th birthday, it is time to settle for something that will be a positive force in my life.

Finally, as I see a new year, like I said on Facebook: It is time to look at the man in the mirror and make changes. It is time to man up and make hard choices and decisions. Some things I have avoided in the past is going to have to be dealt with this year. I want to be positive but these choices and decisions might change my life and make life more difficult. All I can do is something to make life easier to deal with. So with that said, Happy New Year to you all…………Here comes 2013!!!!!

Eugene Chandler III

December To Remember: Christmas Realizations

Dear Friends,

I have said in the past that I don’t like or do Christmas. However, unlike the other years that I think I am going to face the real reason why I don’t like Christmas. I think you all will be surprised why I don’t like the holiday but then again, you might just assume something else. No matter what, it is going to be an interesting entry because one thing that my blogs help me do is realize my inner fears about my life.

So my reason for disliking the holidays is basically my son. It is hard to be happy to celebrate Christmas without seeing it through the eyes of children. My childhood and Christmas was basically short and sweet. Unlike most kids, I don’t remember any good Christmas since 1990. I think looking at Christmas through a child’s eyes is something special. So I wish I could see Christmas through my son’s eyes. I cannot right now.

Christmas to me is also about Jesus Christ. I am not a real Christian but I do believe that Christ was born on this date. My memories of Christmas were also spent in church. I still can’t go to church on Christmas without feeling sick and uneasy. Does that make me a bad person? No but it does make me look like someone avoiding spirituality. However, in the long run, I do my best to have some form of religion.

In a nutshell, Christmas to me is not the best time of year to be happy or blessed. I learned that unlike Thanksgiving, the only thing I am thankful for is getting through a year without crying and sobbing. I am happy to at least see a new year but then again, I believe that most people are on borrowed time. I do believe that for every year I am alive, there is time being wasted.

So I will leave you all with this for next year: If I see my son, then I might be able to see Christmas. If I go to church, then I believe in Christmas. However, until then it is all about living day to day. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

Eugene Chandler III 

November To Remember: Family Dreaming

Dear Friends,


Well usually it is rare that my mother and father say something that makes sense. So both my parents say to me that they want to actually see and be around a grandchild. When my mother said it, I know she is being jilted for being my mother and my baby momma is being spiteful. However, my father is a diffent story. My father is really old school and sees that a man who has a child is more responsible. I agree to that but the reality is that we live in a world where people who either can work together or spend their lives making someone else miserable. I want to say that this was a weird moment but this is a rare occurance for both my parents to agree on something. So what am I getting at? Well it raised the question of if I am ready to be a parent or end up being another sprem donor to someone else.

Am I ready to be a father? The truth is that I think a part of why I am more depressed and sad especially during the holidays is that I want to bring happiness to a child. Especially someone that is my child. So yes, I want to be a father. I see kids with their parents and want to cry. I want to hold a child and be close to them. Something I am lacking is the bond between a parent and child. It kills me seeing kids at baseball and football games around their parents. It is something about a father and son that makes it worth the hassles. Even fathers and daughters have a bond that makes a future woman know what she wants in a man.

What about your son? Do you care about him? I gave it to God. I have let it go because up until three years ago, I couldn't deal with the stress. I am not careless but I need to live day to day. He is my child but he will never be my son. Thanks to his mother and the great friend of the court system of Michigan, they will make sure I am financially responsible but never be truly able to raise him. Before I get upset about talking about him, I want people to understand that I have not gave up on him but I have moved on and let God protect him.

I want children. I want heirs. I want to raise kids to know what I know and teach me the future of life. Being a father makes you more responsible. However being married is better because it makes someone heighten their responsiblities and their life as a whole. I want the full package regardless. One thing that I wanted to accomplish is to be happily married with kids. It is hard enough to be single and living day to day but to be a parent and get the opportunity to never disappoint a kid is better. I have been disappointed. So I know what not to do. I want to give a child a chance to be taught life lessons.

For now, I need to find a woman that wants to me for me and wants a family. Because the world is too short to let life pass by them. I say that because people are scared to live or like me, just live enough to make it to tomorrow. I think my parents want a grandchild. I want a child. As of now, I think we need to hope for love before marriage and baby. I made a promise to myself that if I was blessed to get a wife, this is going to be my only shot to being happy and maybe stop being a realist and more positive. Until then, it is day to day for me.





Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Thanksgiving Horrors Revisited

Dear Friends,


If you have ever read my blogs or heard me tell this story, you know that I don't hate Thanksgiving but I hate the days leading to the holiday. Especially the Tuesday before Thanksgiving makes me cry, upset and frustrated. Well after paying attention to the calendar, this year marks the seventh year of the nightmare that lead to more. So before I go into my feelings of this shitty event, let me give you all the short and sweet version:

November 2005 was when I was still happily in love and happy in my life. I was not as depressed as I am now. I was happy with my girlfriend and was happy working. I should have had it all but I lost it all in a matter of days. Her version of the story involves me being abusive and scary her out of the place we shared. My version is that she went to work but came back with cops and her father. The end result was me being out on the street. I ended up being alone, miserable and branded an abuser for the first time. I got passed that.

Now this happen seven years ago. I have let this go. However, this is a reminder that even happy and merry does not prepare you for the turn of events that could make life harder than it should be. This is the beginning of how my current mood and sitations started. People get mad at me for being negative. This event made me a realist. Being negative means to hate everything. I don't hate anything but I do see reality. The world we live in is a cold and cruel place.

I wanted to share this because it reminds me that it is time to really make changes. Changes that should have been made years ago and also things that need to be done soon. 2013 is going to be a new year and this is the year shit changes for me. I guess in the long run, I want to remind myself that not only do I need to be on guard but also I need to stop letting others scare me. It is bad enough people throw guilt trips on me. However, that will fucking end. This is never over but it is for now.





Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Pictures Worth More Than Words.......

Dear Friends,


Picutres are something that keeps a dream or happy times bottled up forever. I say that because when you look at a picture of someone, you wish it lasted. Whether it is a family member that has passed but in the picture look young and happy or someone you hate now but before the hatred began, a picture of that person made you happy. I have learned that pictures do capture the soul of happier times. I have had people ask me why I don't take a lot of pictures and I choose not to see myself as I was. I don't smile and usually am upset, pissed or tired. However, when I see a picture of myself with an ex girlfriend, it reminds me of a happier times. So as I was looking through my many pictures of the last few years, there were some pictures that made me happy but in hind sight made me sad. Originally, I was going to show the pics but I don't want my exes to come at me and be pissed. As for trying to describe them, I suck at description of a picture. So I am going to do this like this: I am going to recall dates and hope to see if I was really happy or really sad.

February 2009: This was the first picture I saw with my ex AF. I actually was smiling and so was she. However looking at that pic now, I was not happy but masking something else. I realized that if I knew what was to come with AF, I might have never taken that picture or even dated AF. I wished I did not say that but the truth hurts and I hate feeling the truth about AF.

June 2008: I took a picture of me and my best friend. I see that picture and I wish I could have never let her go. Otu of all the women I love and lost, this one hurts the worst. I say that because when you date someone that you started off as a friend, it is going to hurt even worse when you have to let them go. I cry everytime I look at her picture.

November 2007: My favorite picture of KS was us having fun and drinking. I have been speaking with her and this is another woman that letting go was a mistake. I see her and want to not only help but to get her and move on. However, the truth is that as much as I want a happy ending, I keep remembering what could happen again. So I tear up when I see this picture.

May 2005: This was the last picture that I was looking at. This was the one picture that I knew would piss me off. I also knew that this picture was going to make my blood boil and my soul light on fire. This was the pic of CB and I when we went out to dinner. At the time, I was happy but looking back, I know I was not happy. Thinking about this picture makes me want to scream and cry because I will always hate this women. I know hate is a strong word but I hate this woman.

I know it was hard to see what I saw in these pictures. The women I mention knows what picture I am talking about. I just wanted you all to see that a picture is a gateway to the soul of your life. I wish I could make you see what I saw. However, if you have read my blogs and know the history, you know what my point was with this. I usually make a good point but it is hard to do that without the visual. So let me end this entry with this image for you all: For the last few years, I have been happy with some but depressed with others. I think as I turn the page to someone else, I bring the baggage of the past. I am done doing that. I have been alone and always will be alone. I just hope the next time I take a picture with someone that this is someone that will not make me regret it.






Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Happy Endings and Final Closures

Dear Friends,

I have had a lot of sleepless nights since 2011. Most times, I end up going back to sleep. However this was the night I find myself not only awake but tearful and sad. I knew this night would come but at the same time, I am happy to finally see this night. Most people know that I have a tendency to obsess about my exes. Well tonight, I finally saw how happy most of my exes are away from the evil that is me. I want to share some of the things I noticed and also some of the things that made me a stronger person for not only moving on but finally moving forward.

The following is a status message on facebook from my ex AF that she posted last summer. I laughed my ass off because of the grammar and also the tough talk:

Ok so I know I shouldn't have done this but I was on my ex's fb page n he had the nerve to write shit about me. First of all he's the one that damn near jumped off the sidewalk. I was walking around him to get to my friend. For all the people that want to say I'm an idiot or a dumb broad I guess u better fuckin check urself cuz u don't know me and I thank God for that. For the person that said shame on me I have season tickets so fuck you. Oh and the bitch that said I give the word couples n love a bad name I guess u better check urself to cuz u dnt put ur hands on the person that u "LOVE"

What was funny is that she posted this via her phone and also all the misspellings. Also after seeing her facebook page, she has moved on. I am happy for her on that note. What makes me laugh is the pattern of how most my exes fall into. My ex AF basically got herself a thug. Why do most white women want a black man that is a thug? I saw the picture of her and her new boo and thanked god for him taking over the bullshit I dealt with. Also when she wrote this, she jumped and ran like she stole something. I wish I filmed it. Now she got a boo, and I can not only breathe but also move on.

Another ex I found on facebook through a series of funny and crazy paths. She is married to a guy that also looks like a thug. This girl is black and her man looks Jamaican. I know she was happy to marry this guy but the timing is fucking hilarious. We broke up around Thanksgiving 2006 but she was married in 2007. So I guess she ran from me and married this guy because she made me look like the devil. Again, I am happy for her because she can live with someone that is thug. Also her family can love this guy because he fits into her family. I can move on from this.

Finally, I said in an earlier blog that I am like the movie Good Luck Chuck. I make women evil and then they run from me and call me the devil. After they heal from me, they find their thug prince and ride off into the sunset. Am I bitter, FUCK NO! Most of the time, I am happy they moved on and leave me the fuck alone. Out of the 10 women I dated, I believe 80% of them are happily married. I know only two that are single but that will change soon. As I write this entry, I am blessed to have learned a valuable lesson about love and life: These women are nothing but trials and test to see if I am ready for my dream woman that does exist. So good night to you all and good night and farewell my exes, I hope you got want you wanted.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Questioning?

Dear Friends,

According to wikipedia, questioning of one's gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation, or all three is a process of exploration by people who may be unsure, still exploring, and concerned about applying a social label to themselves for various reasons. I bring this up because in my loneliness, this one thing came up at a weird moment. This has happen before when I was in college. Most people during their college years question everything especially about their sexuality and orientation. Before I continue this entry, let me be fucking clear about something: I have been plagued with questions by people about my sexuality, and I have been straight for years. I have gay and lesbian friends but I have never in my life had sex with a man or thought about it. However, in the present day, questioning in my case doesn’t involve if I want to live a gay lifestyle. Like in the definition above, I am unsure of what I want in my life. This is something I have been wanting to blog about but hope people don’t get shit twisted.

All humans question things they do or what others do. People question past mistakes, past good fortunes, and bad things in their lives. I said in the last entry that I move on and forward but I question everything I do. Like I said above, I am not questioning my sexuality but the though crossed my mind if being alone isn’t a good thing. Most men who are alone tend to do things different. Some men pay for sex; some men drink or get high, and most quietly experiment with homosexuality. I don’t believe you are born gay lesbian, or want to be a transgender. I believe you chose to become something you can live with. So I am questioning whether or not to live alone for the rest of my life. By the way, from what I know through my friends: if I EVER wanted to be gay, I would be more miserable because of the pitfalls of being gay and also being African American.

Questioning a life choice is something that we all do in our life. I use to not do that but I think as I get older, I don’t want to make more mistakes. I wanted to write about this because I am getting older and questioning my life choices is something I don’t want to be doing when I am 40 or older. I guess when it comes down to it, questioning you life choices, or even your sexuality is a battle. As you all know, battles is something I am use to in my life. I guess for now, I will always question myself but in my heart and soul, I know who I am and what I am. I hope this will be the end but I guess that is something else I will question.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Being Alone or Not Being Alone

Dear Friends,

Seeing that I am no longer working until next summer, I have time on my hands. This also means that I can also reflect on some things. I wrote in my last entry about my dream of being married and having a family. Doing that entry was very trying because I am trying to not give up on that dream. I’m not a dreamer but that is one thing I keep close to my heart. Something that has been bothering lately is my choice to be alone. For years, I have been bitching and moaning to my exes and friends about not wanting to be alone. So I decided to be alone and hope for someone to be with me. This entry will be about some moments that I wished I was not alone. Being alone is not something I want in my life.

Earlier this spring, I was actively dating someone who really was not into me but she did like having me around. Like with a lot of women my age or younger, they want a man that is not like them or fit a certain type. I am not a thug, I don’t sling drugs, and I don’t do anything dishonest. I am an asshole at times but not all the time. So this girl liked me but felt that I wanted more and she did not want me. I do want more. I don’t want to be in a relationship based on lust and money. I don’t pay for sex. So this girl moved on. This was the catalyst for me being alone.

Later in the summer, I met a single mother who I have been talking to. She and I have been out on a date. Mostly we have been out on drives and other things with her daughter. Her daughter likes me for the most part. This woman likes me but feel like there is no way for us to be anything else but friends. We do date but not like how it is suppose to be done. I want to prove her wrong because I do like her but she is right because of scheduling and also the fact that I want a family. She made it clear that she does not want to have more kids. I want kids. So for now, I love her company.

During my birthday, I had the honor of spending it with a good friend. Unfortunately, deep down I didn’t really have fun. Don’t get me wrong, that this year’s birthday was better than most birthdays but it was not something I wanted. I guess I am use to spending my birthday with a girlfriend. Since 1998, I have not spent a birthday alone. This was the first year that I was not dating someone and spent my birthday alone. I was alone in the sense that my friend was cheering me up but internally I was alone. I got through the day without crying.

From late August to last week, I have had to spend my time alone in deep thoughts. In my deep thoughts, I kept my mind focused on not being alone. When at work, I was surrounded by people. However, after work, the feeling of being alone settled in. One nagging thing about being alone is the endgame. This is where you live with being alone, do something drastic to not be alone or become suicidal. I chose to be alone because I don’t want to do something drastic and I am too strong to kill myself.

As I finish this entry, I have taught myself to move on and forward. I did that for every relationship, for every life decision, and every choice I make. So I decided to move on and be alone. Most people have told me this is the time to love myself. I don’t want to love myself but have someone else’s love. I live with my decision. I will have someone in my life but until then, being alone is my only solace.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Family Man or Alone Soul

Dear Friends,

One of my biggest dreams in the world is to be married. Call me a hopeless romantic but I want to be married and have a family. I think in my years of dating, I think I have came close to having a loving wife and the ideal of having kids and hope for the future. As time moved on in my life, I am hopeful of having a family. What's funny is that I am hopeful on that part of what I want in life but on other things, I tend to be negative or get depressed about it. My own mother asked me if she will live to hold and be a part of raising a grandchild. The fact that my mother feels like she will not see me married or have kids made me think. So I am going to blog about the chances I had to be a family man and also hoping to still get a chance to be a family man.

First of all, I want to admit something I don't know if I shared or ever blogged about. Instead of having one kid I have not seen, I could have had three kids by now. The girl that would have had my other two kids lost them because she miscarried. Unitl recently, I finally admitted to myself that I could have had two more kids. At the time, I was still in shock from my son coming into the world. This girl who I was with was willing to not only give me a family but also the kids to make up for losing my son. Instead, the stress of having kids made it hard and the girl miscarried. I feel better sharing that because that was a part of my depression.

Second, I find myself hopeful to be a father and a husband. People who know me, know that I am very negative at times. So the thought of being hopeful about something is weird even for me. Most men don't think they are good husband material. I do because when it comes to family, I want to have something normal in my life. I did not have a mother and father both raising me. My mother raised me alone. My father was in and out my life. I want to be able to have a legacy and also have a way to show that I succeeded. Everyone around me is having kids, getting married, and doing more in their lives. I hate to say this outloud but I envy my friends that are happily married.

Third, working this year has been extra hard because more and more fathers brought their sons and daughters to see baseball. I don't sell to kids because it hurts to see kids happy with their fathers and mothers. I am not trying to be mean but when you have not seen your son and you are basically alone, it is hard to be around happy families. I try to avoid crying and also being weak but it did give me something to think about. I think about having that family time, and not having to adopt kids or become a surrogate father or uncle to other people's kids.

I have said that I could have been married time and time again. I had opportunities to be someone's husband but either I messed up or they did not see me as a viable husband. I give and give to all my former lovers and girlfriends. I also do have a heart and care for all my friends and family. I keep reminding myself that I prayed for someone to love me but I also did not ask for someone to love me for me not because I gave them money or something. I hate being used and I don't want to use people. I guess the curse of asking for someone to love is that I have to go through some hard shit. I am hoping for a wife but I might not have enough time left to hope for something like that.

Finally, when it comes to family, I am truly idealistic. That is something that really puzzles me because I have no patience and I hate to wait for things. I guess until I get a family, I have to spend my time alone and thinking. I hate that but I live with it. I live with alot of things and I hope to finally get something back in my life. Until next time, have fun with your family and be blessed to have something that others can't have.





Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: World Series Memories - Then and Now

Dear Friends,

Today is the second of November. About a couple of weeks ago, I have been working my ass off during the MLB playoff for the Detroit Tigers. During that time, I was not really in my right mind. I guess I was caught up in the rush of working past October. Last time I worked past October and ended up working a World Series event, it was in 2006. This was before my son's birth. This was before a lot of my current issues. So I am going to blog about the last time I worked a World Series to this current World Series. This is going to be interesting because it is going to require a lot of thought.

So last time I worked a World Series event, it was 2006. My goodness, it was not as cold as it was and the spirit of baseball was more prevalent. During the 2006 Detroit Tigers' season, I was not expecting to work past October. During that time, I was juggling school, work, and traveling to and from my little place outside Flint. I remember how happy I was to do something important. I am a sports fan and working the World Series is like one of the biggest events in this country. As I worked the MLB playoff in 2006, it was electric and I guess it was something to witness seeing over 40,000 people at Comerica Park.

We fast foreward to 2012. Unlike in 2006, the electricity was amped up. Working the MLB playoffs was better but worse that the same time. Unlike in 2006, the end of the season was not stretched into 10 home games in 10 days. Then work the playoffs on little to no rest. The enconomy was different in 2006. More people was willing to spend more back in 2006. During the playoffs this year was hard on me because it was the lack of rest and also the lack of peace of mind. I have done everything to stay healthy but I did get sick.

Basically, the differences in working in 2006 and in 2012 are very simple. First and foremost, the economy was different. There were people working in 2006. This was ironically during the Bush Jr. presidency. However, during the Obama presidency of 2012, it was hard to make money while people were penny pinching and also being cheap. Second, the road to the World Series was different. This was the year there was an extra wid card team. During the 2006 playoff, the Tigers were the only wild card team. Finally, the most important thing is my experience. In 2006, I was in my third year of being a vendor. In 2012, I was in my ninth year of vending. I tend to think I was wiser.

Working the playoffs and the World Series was fun but harder on my body and mind this year. I wanted the high to last but it was cut short last weekend. I am actually happy to get the rest and clear my mind of everything. I bitched and moaned but I survived both 2006 and also this year. I hope that the next time I work a MLB playoff game or get to work the World Series, I will try to be healthy and smart about things. So until next time, speak to you all very soon.






Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: A Short Letter to My Friends

Dear Friends,

I know it has been a long while since my last blog. I have been busy with working MLB playoff with the Detroit Tigers. I have also been busy with life changes and also other issues. I hated that I could not have done any entries but then again, in my absence I have learned something new and also something that I could share. I am going to try to catch up with the entries because even though I did not write entries, I do have a lot of things to share and say. So this is not a real entry but the real entries will begin today. Speak to you soon, my friends.









Eugene Chandler III

September To Remember: Three Groups of Friends

Dear Friends,

I love how people classify other people. We are always going to be put into a class with people. No matter what you do to make this person see you as more, this is where you stand. You are never the lover or the boyfriend. You are the buddy, the friend, or captain save a ho. I have been labeled at the friend in a lot of people's eyes. I am not good enough to be the lover or the boyfriend to a lot of my friends. I think I want to discuss the catagories  people put others in and also want to explore the ways to not be labeled as such.

First and foremost, in this world we live in, people are scared to love others. We find people that we love at first but then we get hurt and then we just want a friend but that friend could be a good lover. This person will never want to be hurt but there is someone in front of them that will not hurt them and know how to love you. In women, this will not work because women hold on to the pain. In men, we move on but we also remember the pain of letting someone hurt us. Either way, we won't let anyone in but also we can't move on and let someone like a good friend be more.

Second, especially with women, we have buddies. Buddies are someone we barely know but we use for physical needs. Women go to gay men for buddies because they don't want sex or love. Men don't have buddies because we want sex and physical needs. Buddies are something that real friends don't want. We don't want to be pushed to the side or subjected in this group. No real woman wants to be loved but they want a buddy to keep them safe. What kind of sense does that make?

Third, this is the funniest thing to be called but it is true. Most men are captain save a ho. Why? It is because most men want to help women in need. Do we get the girl? Not always. We get her for a second but the truth is that we get the shaft. Being called captain save a ho is funny because it is a literal thing. Most women aren't hoes but their actions are ho-ish.

Men and women have funny ways to guard their hearts but we need to guard more than our hearts. We need to guard us as a whole. Instead of looking for sex, or something quick, we look to our real friends and give them a chance to be more than a buddy, or a friend, or even captain save a ho. This is not going to be a quick change, but this is a change for the better in life. That's all for now but there is more to come.




Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 20 of 20 and The Aftermath

Dear Friends,

What I am about to share is something I wish I could make up but the events of my 34th birthday and the day after are something I will not forget. I never though I could have a good birthday in my 30's but this was a good birthday. I hope I can remember everything but for the most part, I am happy have seen another year of my life. With that said, this is day 20 of 20 and also the aftermath of it.
My friend April S. paid for a room for me and her to share. I thanked her for that because I did not have to work and it was nice to have a date and someone real to spend it with. For the most part, it was a nice room. Once we got into the room, it was a dream that become real. The room was nice and it was also roomy. After we checked into the room and showered, we decided to go to the movies. We saw a good movie. We both had fun not only seeing this movie but we also had fun being with each other.

After the movie, this is where things started to get better. We decided to go to the casino to gamble for a bit before going out to dinner. Once at the casino, both me and April S. hit big at the casino. Ususally, I do good at the casino but to have someone with me that hit big was a blessing. So after we cashed in our winnings, we go out to dinner. Nothing fancy but it was nice. After dinner, I decided we should go to a bar and drink. It was funny to drink because I don't do it often. Also I decided to drink some of the things I sell at work. I did not get a chance to drink what is called a Summer Shandy but I did get to drink something with lime in it. April decided to invite her cousin and that was cool. Before we went to the bar, April bought me a cool sweater that I will wear this fall and winter. There will be a pic of it soon.

Once we waited for her cousin, we go from the bar to the strip club. It was around 1am, I was drunk and so was April and her cousin. It has been a while since I was in a titty bar but nothing really changed. The women were wild and shit was expensive. I did see some females that I would love to have a private dance with or something more freaky. Once we got into the place, my wildest dreams were seen in that place. I saw a woman get a lap dance from another woman. I also saw three women make out and tease a man. I wish it was me but I did get to see something like that happen. Also I did get a couple of sexy birthday kisses from the girls working the poles. At 2am, the place was closing and my birthday was almost over. When I woke up in the morning, there was one more thing to do for my birthday......

As I got to work, I was greeted by my mom, my aunt and my mom's friend. I got them tickets to the game and also got a nice pic of all of us together. It was nice to see my mommy come to a game. It was also nice to have my aunt come since I have not seen her in a while. This was the end of my 34th birthday. This is what made me happy. This is what wanted me to celebrate and also do more for my 35th birthday. I got to do things and see things I never though I would see. I thank God for a lot of it but April S. getting the room was the catalyst of the greatest birthday of my life. Happy Birthday To Me!!!!!!!!!

Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 19 of 20

Dear Friends,

Well it is the day before my birthday and I am nervous as hell. I guess the hype of the day is getting to me. I want to think that the day before my 34th birthday, I want to be happy and blessed. I am happy and blessed. Also I am sad and worried because I am older but don't feel wiser. Unlike most of my blogs about the days leading to my birthday, this one is going to be short and sweet. I want to say all my writing for the actual day. So with that said, here's my thoughts for day 19 of 20.....
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I will be 34 years old in less than 24 hours. I have thought about how I was ten years ago, and also 20 years ago. I loved that when I was 14, I was really idealistic and hopeful of the future. What's sad is that when I was 24, I was less idealistic but more realistic. It is funny that the older you get, the wiser you suppose to be. I don't see that because I repeat mistakes but they have different names.

Something else I notice is the way things change before birthdays. When I was 14 years old, I barely liked my father but as I am now, I have new respect for him. Same with my mother at 14 and now. As a teen, you hate the world but the older you are, you see new things to make you want to be a aprt of the world.

One more thing, I have decided to celebrate this birthday because you only live once. Why hide and be depressed? Also why be a sour puss? I am going to be more lively as I get older because I don't want to regret shit. People that regret are those who nag about the little shit in life. I am tired of that.
Until tomorrow, I will focus on today. I also want to be able to have people see that I am getting better not worse. No more being depressed or sad for something that someone wanted from me. I want to be happy and also very determined to be more than what I am in life. So until tomorrow, have a good night my friends.


Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 16 of 20

Dear Friends,

It is now four days from my birthday. I find it funny that my birthday is on a Monday because usually it falls on a Sunday or Saturday. As I am counting down the days until I become 34 years old, I find myself gaining some happiness. I say that because I am not use to being geeked about my birthday. As I get closer to my birthday, I am reminded of the last time I was excited about my birthday. So I guess I will share the last few times that I was excited about my birthday.  

When I was to turn five years old, I was happy to see this birthday come. I knew that since Christmas was coming in a couple of months, I should ask for something toy related now because I know if I do it in December, I would get nothing but clothes and other non toys  items. I remember that I got some G.I. Joes figures and also some G.I. Joe related things. I was happy this day because it was a simpler time.

When I was to turn 13 years old, I knew this was the last time to get childish things. By now, I was getting more clothing items and also nothing I asked for. I know that sounds like I am being spoiled but I am being realistic with my requests back then.  Before I turned 13, I did receive a Nintendo and games for it. So I decided to ask for games and also hope for a new TV. I was happy to go to the toy store and get games for the system and also had received a new TV. During this time of my life, it was still simple times.

The last time I was happy about a birthday was my 25^th birthday. I started working at where I am at now. I was also getting a place and my wish for this birthday was to be with my then girlfriend. She and I were able to enjoy my birthday. This was the last time I wanted to celebrate a birthday until last year. I guess in the last eight years, I was either depressed to be a year older or had plans for my birthday but was disappointed at the end of the day. I want to leave you this little piece of advice: A birthday means that your life began but after a point, you have to make each birthday a time to restart life and do more and do different things. See you all very soon but that all for now.

Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 15 of 20

Dear Friends,

It is 5 days until I become a year older. I have been laughing at the fact that I have been counting this down like counting down the days until Christmas. I am excited for celebrating my birthday this year but also mentally preparing for my 35th birthday next year. Since I am in the mood for speaking about this, I have been wondering: what is the fascination with humans and anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even the day someone dies. I ask this because that's something that boggles my mind. We celebrate anything but especially when someone passes away. So as I get excited to celebrate my birthday, I also want to why we celebrate even the anniversary of someone's death.

First, I want people to know that I am not being insensitive about people celebrating someone's death. My great aunt died on my mother's birthday. So it is easy to celebrate my mother's birthday but we also remember that my great aunt's passing. However, some people take this too far with shirts and hats. I do know people that have gone to even having made videos of loved ones funerals. I think this is a bit of overkill. I remember but I don't go to the extreme of having shirts made or having videos made. Death is suppose to be done with a bit of decorum. Life is supposed to be lived to the fullest. The new thing is: YOLO. That is you only live once. Birthdays are things celebrated once a year. I am learning to do it more.

Something I have seen on the news and read on the net is that we constantly have to remember tragedies. Tragedies are supposed to be treated like when someone dies, with decorum. However, we live in a world where the news over hype tragedies and the people it affects. I am happy to never experience something catastrophic like 9/11 or losing someone in accident or fire. I do grieve but I am not going to make a huge deal of death. I definitely don't want to constantly celebrate or hype up something that is suppose to be done in private.

Finally, I want to say that for years, I did not want to celebrate being a year older. I chose to celebrate last year because I did not want to be depressed on my birthday. I said my ex was not going to let me be depressed and did a good job of it. We had fun and we both had one night free from stress and drama. The last time I had something like that was back in 2007. I celebrated it alone at first but had people over to help celebrate it. I guess there are some benefits to celebrating anniversaries and birthdays but not when it is a death or tragedy. With that said, it is time to go but there will be more to come. Thank you for reading.

Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 14 of 20

Dear Friends,

Today is my father’s birthday. Most people know that I was named after him and my grandfather. As I think about my father’s birthday, I remind myself that it is less than one week until my birthday. This is when I realize that my birthday is coming and also that it is time to relieve some memories about my father and of my grandfather. This is going to be interesting because I never talk about either man in writing.

First and foremost, my father was a mystery to me for years. I say that because as a kid, my father was working but he also was a Christian man. My father and I never really talked like most fathers and sons. I never asked him about sex or advice. As a kid, I never had time to be alone with him or even had time to be a son to him. Now, my grandfather was in my life as a kid and to a point in my teens. My grandfather was bluntly honest. He was country as all hell but he was real. As a kid, he gave me something I live with even today. He made me see that a real man takes responsibility for his actions. I live with that now.

My father was not around in my life during my teens. The last time I saw my father as a teen was after my 16^th birthday in court for something silly. Before that, I was living with my father until after my 14^th birthday. My father wanted me to live with him but my father had a wife and kids. I had a step siblings and a step mother. I am a only child in my mother’s eyes. My grandfather left Detroit and moved back to Tennessee during my teens. The last time I spoke to him as a teen, he was happy to be home. My grandfather was my unofficial role model. He made me see that being a man is about being able to make choices.

My grandfather died some time ago. My father did not know how to reach me to let me know he passed. The last time I talked to my grandfather, he asked me if I was getting laid, I was. He wanted to know if I had kids, I did not have a kid then. He reminded me to be a man and I have done my best to remember that. I use to blame my father for not doing a lot to let me know that my grandfather was dead. I later just said that my grandfather is in my heart. My father missed his father. Fast forward to late last year. My father had a stroke. My father was in the hospital. One on my cousin had to send me a message online to let me know. I bring this up because since that point, I have been doing my best for my father.

Today is my father’s birthday. I wished him a happy birthday. He’s close to 60. I see my father as my namesake. I am not close to my father. I will not hide that fact. I see my father as my namesake and also a man that I am still trying to know. I know of him but sitting down with him is harder and different. I will leave you with this thought: Out of all the members of your family, your grandparents and your parents are suppose to be your core family members. In my family, my mother is left as my core family members. My grandparents are dead. My great aunt and uncle are dead. My father is someone I want to know but will always be an enigma to me.

Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 8 of 20

Dear Friends,

Today is August 8^th and that means it is 12 days until my birthday. I am still counting down my birthday because unlike New Years Eve, this is my new year ending and beginning. I am going to do something different with entry because I am looking to change my views and also do something creative. I saw on the news about a man talking to his younger self and posted the video on You Tube. Unlike this guy, I am going to think about how I was near my 18^th birthday, how I was near my 21^st birthday, and how I was near my 33^rd birthday.

When I was turning 18 years old, I was getting ready for college. I was done with high school, and trying to enjoy my last summer at home with my mom. As I was turning 18, I know that in my head that I wanted to change the world and also make money. I was trying to forget about the high school horrors but I overlook the fact that my best times was in high schools. Before I experienced college life and started my road to depression, I was optimistic and very happy to be in Detroit. That changes within a few years.

When I was turning 21 years old, I was enjoying life. I might have had some bouts of depression but I later enjoyed true happiness. I actually was happier then because I was in love and doing well in school. What’s funny is that I don’t remember my 21^st birthday but I remember what happened the day after. I also remember the night of. My 21^st birthday was the catalyst to how I am with my girlfriends to come. This was also the time where I did have fun after I was done working or studying. I was still optimistic but that changed.

We will fast forward to last year. Twelve years pasted between turning 21 and last year turning 33. I had a son. I was still fighting to get a degree, and also trying to be the man I wanted to be. I also had my bouts of depression and also had life hit me hard. What’s funny is that before I turned 30, I was on top of the world. I had my own apartment, I was working, and I had someone that loved me. However, before last year I did not celebrate my birthday, especially when my son was born in 2007. Last year, was the first year that I wanted to have some form of celebration during my birthday. One thing that my ex did last year was give me one night of fun without consequence. I thank her for that. However, through the years, I lost my optimism about my life, and living in Detroit.

If I had the means to time travel and get these men together and talk to my earlier two selves, I would not only warn them of what’s coming and change things as it happens. I would also explain to my younger selves and ask what made me happy back then. I have talked about this stuff before but as my birthday approaches, I want to remind you all and myself that even the slightest thing can effect what’s to come. I am happy to not have the drama in my life. However, I am haunted by the shit I went through in my life and try to avoid it again. However, I don’t most times. Until next time, my friends.

Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout: Day 1 of 20

Dear Friends,

It is the first of August, the countdown to my birthday has official begun. In 19 days, I will be 34 years old. I just wrote a blog about having the birthday blues. As I am writing this entry, I am taking stock in my life. So as I countdown my birthday, this is the first entry of my 20 days of not only reflection and also comparing last year to this year. This entry is going to be about the dog days of summer especially with the fact that my birthday is a sign of the end of summer for me.

Last year, I was trying to be in love and also fix my life after what occurred last May and June. When you are in love, it is easy to let days pass and also let shit pass you. I got through most of last summer with the feeling of happiness. I was with someone and I had a purpose aside of my own living. As the summer progressed, I think my life was getting better but it was getting worse. As I think about what is going on now, I think I made the mistake of assuming I was in love. I was happy to be with someone.

Usually, the first full week of August is when the panic begins for celebrating and getting to my birthday. I know some people think I am flipping out or overreacting but unlike most people, I tend to see that my birthday is the best time of year. To me, my birthday is a hell of a lot better than Christmas. I say that because my birthday is the only time of year that I am in control and I don’t have to feel guilty if I don’t celebrate the day.

This is the first of August, I got 19 more days to reflect and also hope for changes in 2012 and 2013. I might be getting older but I wish to change what had happened and what is going to happen. I want to be able to love with my choices but no matter if I do or don’t, I still end up with regret. Until next time, see you all soon.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Precursor to Being 34

Dear Friends,

This is the last week of July which means the countdown to my birthday begins soon. Most people hate that their birthdays are in the winter or the spring but I don't like my birthday because it is the end of summer for me. My birthday also is the culmination of a wild week of birthdays. My father's birthday is on the 14th of August, then my stepmother's birthday is on the 17th of August, and then finally my birthday is on the 20th of August. Every year, this time of year is action packed for the simple reason of celebration of a family of Leos. What I want to talk about is before this week of celebration. This is the birthday blues blog.

People don't think you should be sad about being a year older. I have dreaded this since 13 yrs old. I guess because the older I get the wiser I get and also the mistakes I made get more harder to deal with. I have said that I dislike Thanksgiving to Christmas but the weeks leading to my birthday is nerve racking because of the wait and also the reflection I do each year. I have tried each year to not be depressed around my birthday but some years I celebrate and others I would hide out.

When you get older, you tend to reflect more. I have not live life like some people but I have lived an interesting life. I try not to reflect because it reminds me of what I was and how I changed in the last few years. Most Christians tend to think that relection is a good thing to remind you of what you did was a sin or what you did was a blessing. I hate reflection but my mind is set to remind me of what I did wrong and also try to not repeat my mistakes and issues. When it comes to it, I hate getting older because remembering the past is a bitch.

Finally, having the blues about your birthday means that you want the next year to be better not worse just remember that. Last year, I was happy with someone but after the weather change it changed. This year, I spent it being single for the first time since 1996. I am happy with my life but I know I want more. Until next time, see you all for the next entry.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Crazy Women and Me

Dear Friends,

Recently, I had someone that wanted to end our friendship. This was because we had plans but we did not go out together. Normally, I would cancel plans if I had something else planned or if I had something come up. The thing about it is that I did call and also try to explain myself but this person was not interested in my side of the story. To be honest with you all, I didn’t want to see this person at all. This person is the basis of some of my recent blogs. I do give chances to people like they do for me. However, this was not a chance I wanted to take. I guess because this person is the type of women I try not to attract. I don’t know where this blog will go but just to make this clear, this is going to be a blog about crazy women and why I attract them.

So this girl, whose name is Karlly basically, is the reason why I think I need to stop attracting women that are fucking crazy. This is a trend that I have been noticing since 2006. Karlly is the recent person that is a few crayons short of a box. I mean she is a great person from the outside but as soon as she talks or you observe her, she’s loonier than Daffy Duck on a good day. She was the basis for many recent blogs. She dumps me while I am out of town. She then dates someone that basically didn’t like her brand of bullshit and then she wants me to come to clean up the mess. Then when I don’t show up she wants to end things and calls me a bum. I let it go and I moved on.

Karlly is recent person that has shown her true colors. My first loony tune chick was this girl I dated back in 1997. I have told the story of how I went to see this girl in Indiana and we were clicking. As soon as I left, she sent a letter that God told her to end things with me. This girl used God as an excuse to dump me. She was the first but not the last. Another example of this would be of the little girl I was dating that wanted to move to Texas. I got a letter that she moved to Arizona with some hippie and was pregnant with triplets.

This is only a snippet of the shit I went through while dating. I attract crazy chicks. Most of the real relationships I was in were with women that were good but either changed from their own issues or changed because I did not give them what they craved. Or in some cases, I did not bend to their commands. I don’t want to attract crazy chicks but I want to attract women that are going to keep me sane and also give me opportunities to grow and be a better man. I hope I find that woman ASAP. I can’t wait for her forever.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Desires

Dear Friends,

This is the last blog of the month of June. Usually, I am so busy to blog that I don’t blog again until close to my birthday. As this is the end of the month and I have been churning out blogs for this month, I want to end this month with something good. I draw my source of blogs from stories or events I have witnessed in my years of living. This is going to interesting because what I am going to talk about is something I want people to think about. Today’s blog is going to be about desires. I hope this will give you something to think about.

Now, we all desire something. We want wealth, power, control, or something more. We as humans desire something. Desire is something that borders some of the deadly sins in the bible. To desire something means you have to lust for it. You also have to commit adultery for a desire. You also could be killed for a desire. To be honest with you, desires also could be good for people. It gives you motivation, and makes you goal driven.

My main reason for writing about this is because of what I want to do for the rest of this year and also beyond. I desire to be better in my life. I want to do better. I have goals and I have plans. My plans are not something I want to change or alter. I am fixated on achieving things to gain something. Having desire is a good thing for me but I know most people see a desire as a weakness or something bad.

I could not talk about desires without speaking about the one main negative aspect of desires which are sexual desires. We all have sexual desires. Regardless if you’re gay or straight, you think about having sex with someone you can’t have sex with or someone out of your league. We fantasize about celebrities, models, singers, and actors. It is nothing wrong with that but there is a fine line between desires, lusting, and reality. Keep that in mind.

I hope I gave you something to think about. I will be back to blogging after the 4^th of July. Time to rest and prepare for work and what I need to do to live in this world. At least my desires are clean because if you really know me, not all my desires are clean and wholesome. See you all soon.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Outdoors Not For Every Kid

Dear Friends,

My mother and I were talking the other day about how kids are now and oppose to how I was as a kid. Actually, I was referring to how I was with respect to how I was not an outdoor person. Most kids now are either ten times worse that I was or would never use something as simple as a yo-yo or a kite. My mother is old school and use to having kids go outside. I was brought up into the technological world. Being outside is something I don’t do unless I have to. I admit that I am a homebody at times but most of the time, I am out doing something inside somewhere else. I am going to explain why I don’t do outside and also why I think parents need to not encourage kids to play outside as much.

My reasoning for not being an outdoor person is simple. I lived in Detroit, MI for most of my life. I would not want to be a kid in this world because you can catch a bullet while playing and you can get in more trouble outside than inside. I have never liked being outside because I tend to want to be somewhere with walls. Most of the places I have lived in Metro Detroit are not for kids. I don’t do bugs. I hate being hot. I hate sweating. I might work outside but I don’t have to be outside all day. I don’t like to be darker than I am now.

My mother had a good point about what if I was in the country. I have lived in Monroe for two years. I have been on the farm and I have done farm work. I am not a farmer at heart. I don’t like smelling shit or being in mud and dirt. I don’t have an issue for those people that are country at heart, I am not. I am an indoor person. Too many things outside can hurt and harm a person. Especially when you had sinus issues like I did for years. I lost my sinus issues when I moved to Flint and kept them away even when I moved back to Detroit and later in Monroe.

Being outside is not a good thing for some kids. Like I said, I had allergies and sinus issues for years. Why would you send a kid outside if they cannot breathe or see? I still say some parents would send kids outside because they don’t want to see them inside. My mother use to say, it is a nice day but I would see that I don’t have a lot of time before my sinuses close up and I can’t breathe. Some kids had asthma or worse. Parents love to send a child out in the world but don’t think if they might die outside from lack of oxygen.

I am not trying to start anything but from my personal experiences; I don’t think some parents think about their kids. I am also using my experience to show that it is okay to be inside. Some kids are not made for being outdoor kids. Some kids are comfortable being indoors. Just keep all that in mind.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Childhood in Detroit Back In The Day

Dear Friends,

I rarely talk about my childhood. To me, my childhood was short and sweet. My childhood ended in 1986. It ended the day that I saw the world as it was not how it is suppose to be. I was eight years old and I saw a world of broken promises and bullshit. My childhood was not for the faint of heart. I was blessed with not seeing people getting shot or getting shot at. I was blessed with no one kidnapping me. However, I did see kids around me joining gangs, getting arrested, and also doing grown things. Unlike how it is today, during the 1980’s and 1990’s, kids in Detroit were shown things that they were not ready for. I am about to share some incidents before I turned 13. These are incidents made me who I am now.

When I was 12, I was in school when I had my first and only fight with anyone. I have never fought anyone and I learned later that I never would fight again. I was in my science class. I was trying to listen to my teach talk about cells and he had to walk out the class for something. While the teacher was gone, the class was unruly. I was reading my book about greek mythology when this kid in my class decided to bother me. He goes into this tirade about my clothes and my family. I ignored him at first. Then he speaks about my next door neighbors being mutts and the girl that had a crush on me was a whore. I put my book down and I KO this kid that was bigger than me. However, as this kid goes down, his friend slaps the shit out of me. So one kid is KOed and I got slapped. The teacher comes in as we both sat down. That slapped woke me up and I decided not to fight again. What’s tragic and sad was that those kids were killed two weeks later in a gang fight. Both those kids were in a gang and they could have got their gang to beat my ass but I earned their respect. I wept for them but I knew that those kids wanted me to move on.

I saw my first dead and only dead body when I was 10. If you ever saw the movie, Menace II Society, you would remember what I speak of. I was coming home from school when some friends told me about this guy that was shot in an abandon building. I didn’t want to go but I was curious. As we walked to the house, we saw the cops circling the block. I knew the cops were in the area because of this dead body. I kept my cool while my friends were acting scared. When we go to the house, we saw that the house was empty. My friends go through the front door and I go to the back. The body was in the garage. As I looked at the body, I smelled shit and piss. There were maggots coming out of his mouth and his skin was loosing color. When my friends came to the garage, they puked. I wanted to puke but I just cried. I tell my friends that we need to leave. As we leave, we see the cops. We walk away separately. Seeing death made me want to live life.

I will only share those stories because some of the others were too graphic or stuff I don’t want to remember again. I live with a lot of shit in my past. Some things are so bad that I will take the grave. When I turned 13, my life changed. From the ages of 8 to 12, I had experience things that I wish I could forget. With that said, I am not perfect or normal. I have flaws. And those flaws make me who I am today. Thank you for reading and understanding.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Happy Home Revisitied

Dear Friends,

I have a rule about relationships called happy home. Happy home is basically when two people are in a committed relationship or married. I have had friends tell me their respective mates are being ignorant to their needs or basically acting like an asshole. I am single and would love to be with someone and do anything for them. I hate hearing when people don’t want to do for their mates. If kids are involved, that upsets me even more. I guess because I did not have a real family structure and I had a single mother raise me, I want to have a family more. However, there are some ungrateful motherfuckers in this world that take for granted their vows and also their mates. This is a blog about these ungrateful assholes and some of the things I have heard or have seen.

Part of the marriage vows involves in sickness or in health. So why would a husband ignore that his wife is falling apart? If my wife has even the flu, my ass would make sure she gets well and help run the household. Why would you ignore your wife’s health? My friend is getting dental work done and asked her husband to take her and pick her up from the dentist. His lazy ass said no and that she needs to get a ride. Really? I find that sickening because I would not ignore my wife’s needs and her health.

I have a friend that is about to give birth to her third kid but with a different man. He has not been around to know what he’s having or if the baby is well. My friend spends her nights crying and questioning herself. I am not going to be judgmental because I am in a baby drama. However, I question his motives and also where he’s at when he’s not with her. This is a perfect situation for TV daytime shows like Maury. However, I question the fact that men who want kids are the ones that always run from their duties. Some people think I am a dead beat but how can I be a dead beat if my son lives hundreds of miles from me in a place that is not suitable for minorities.

My favorite story about this is the story about people I known for years that broke the sacrament of marriage. When I heard this, I did not believe it but seeing it in person made me question marriage. I found out that both my friends were screwing around but with people of the same sex. If you ever saw the R Kelly – Trapped In The Closet videos, you will know what I am referring to. I found this out by accident. I was doing them a favor by watching their kids. I was returning the kids to their parents when we walked in on a lesbian sex session in the living room. The kids didn’t see anything but I saw a lot. Usually, it would be a man’s wet dream to see two women getting it on before the man comes in. However, seeing my friend and a younger woman making out made me feel awkward. As they got dressed, the kids are yelling for me to come to the garage. As I go to through the garage, I smell something awful. The kids are standing in the garage and I see my friend’s husband and an older man butt ass naked. The kids were in shock. I wanted to puke. I took the kids to their grand parents house while my friend and her husband get their shit together. When I got back to the house, they sat me down and explain their marriage was a sham. I could go into details but the point of this story was made. Vows were broken.

I wanted to do this blog because I empathize with people when it comes to broken vows and broken trust. I hate seeing someone get hurt. I don’t like that heterosexual couples can marry but same sex couples cannot. I empathize with gay and lesbian couples that can’t be married but I have to witness straight couples be married multiple times. This was not a blog for same sex marriages. However, I will end this blog like this: Marriage is a blessing not something people can do like changing socks. Once you are married, you are married. Divorce is a cop out to people that wanted to be single. Unless there is abuse or other issues, marriages can be worked out.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Triggers of Depression

Dear Friends,

I have many stories. Some are meant to inspire. Some are sad to hear. A lot of my stories are not for the faint of heart. With that said, I never told the story of the original trigger of my depression. One thing I learned in psychology is that everything in life starts with a trigger or something traumatic. So with that said, let me finally explain the reasons why I have been depressed.

Here’s the story of my trigger for being depressed:

September 5^th, 1996 was the date I started at University of Detroit Mercy. I was a freshman and was happy to be free from my mother and also happy to begin my journey into adulthood. I decided to live on campus even though I was a quarter mile from my house. I also decided to have a room alone. I was having fun and being alone. I was being a college student. October 7^th, 1996 was the first date I triggered being depressed. I was alone in my room. My TV was low and I was studying. As I was studying for my English comp test, I looked around and realized that I was alone. I also realized that I was sitting in the dark with nothing but the TV light and also a small lamp next to my study area. As I walked into the darkness, I started to cry. I never understood why I was crying but I know it was because I was alone. If you know me, you know that’s my biggest fear.

The next day, I found myself in the fetal position weeping because I was alone and was not having fun like I originally was having. I also was not myself for a month because I not only ate a lot more but I also was acting erratic. A friend of mines helped me diagnose that I was depressed and I needed help. From 1996 to 1997, I was getting counseling and also getting help. I was good from 1997 to 2003, which was when my depression came back. That story has been told.

I never told this story because some people did not believe me or even though I was depressed. However, in these recent blogs, you see the difference in when I am depressed and when I am not as depressed. So with all that said, I think people would see me differently. I also hope people will read these blogs because I don’t want to leave this world and not have someone knowing my life. So have fun living because life is a gift.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Fireworks

Dear Friends,

One of my only guilty pleasures in life are seeing or doing fireworks. I am a pyromaniac at heart and love lighting and seeing fireworks go off. I wish that I could keep this guilty pleasure but due to a personal issue, I had to give this up. As a kid, seeing fireworks go off or going to the annual fireworks show in Detroit was a blessing and joy for me. Like I said, in 2008 that all changed. This is the blog that will explain why it changed and also why I will never enjoy fireworks.

Here’s the story of why things change for me about fireworks and also why I can’t see them anymore:

In 2008, I was at the time dating my best friend. Now usually, I would not have someone with me while watching the fireworks in Detroit. This was a special year because I was dating someone that I wanted to date for years. So we are waiting for the fireworks to start and we talk about marriage. As the subject was gaining some interest, my friend asks me what I would say to her if I proposed. I speak from the heart. She was so moved that I decided to actually propose. She said yes. I was shocked.

Now what changed was the significance of her going to be my wife but also the events that occurred after the fact. I won’t go into details but we both know what happened. That also let me to AF and also the shit that happened with her. In 2009, I came to the decision after watching the fireworks and crying. The fireworks are not something I want to see anymore without crying. With that said, I could do fireworks but seeing professional fireworks makes me cry.

Now even though I speak to my best friend still, going to the fireworks or even going to certain places in Detroit makes me sad. I am trying to fight my depression. I guess I could let it go but I cannot because of the other shit that occurred. Now that I shared that, I want to say that I am happy to get that off my chest and also out in the open. That’s all for now, but there is more to come in the madness of my life.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Random Thoughts for June

Dear Friends,

First and foremost, let me apologize for the lack of updates. During the summer, my days are filled with stress and bliss from work. Usually around June and July, I get hectic and busy. I am going to try to make up for lost time and also bring some fresh input into my life and also new aspects. With that said, I am going to let this be a blog about random thoughts for the current lapse of time that I have not been blogging. I know I do a lot of random thoughts but then again, it is better than nothing.

During my hiatus, I have been doing a lot of picture taking. Mostly of places near work, downtown, and also some interesting buildings throughout the city. I find picture taking is sort of like therapy. I see that my city is dying. I don’t have many memories in the city. Buildings are decrepit and falling apart. No more history but empty land and burned down shells. That’s sad to say when there are places in the U.S. that have history and buildings that live on forever.

The other day, I was on the bus going to work. I notice these girls talking about giving head to their boyfriends. As I listened, I was appalled to hear women speak like that. I guess because I am use to women talking about women issues but not deep throat. What made me more sickened is that these women were loud about deep throat. I find that people younger than me are more brazen and really have not much class with things like that. I guess next time; I will have my mp3 player on and up.

Something I noticed in the last five years is that kids are drawn to me. I think since my son was brought into the world, I have some kind of draw to kids. I find it funny because even at work, kids do come to me. I wish I could say I like this but the pain of not seeing my son makes this uneasy for me. I am not bitching about this but I hope that once I do see my son, I could appreciate this weird thing.

Finally, I am a kid at heart but not a true kid at heart. I don’t do amusement parks. I have never gone to Cedar Point or King’s Island or even Boblo Island back in the day. My mother was not into taking to these places and I never really got the appeal of those places. I have a kid and I am an uncle. I don’t think I could take any kid to a place like that. I might change my mind once I let go of my lack of appeal.

I do have more to come. I will try to write more. I also want to make sure that people see that I am normal but I also have faults. I am human and I am not perfect. Thank you all for reading and I will speak to you all soon.

Eugene Chandler III

May Madness: Being Played

Dear Friends,

We live in a world of users and abusers. Users basically use people to gain something or get something for free. Abusers hurt people and make life hell for others. The result of being used and abused is called being played. Being played is something people don’t want to happen to them. There are good hearted people in this world and those are the main targets for users and abusers. I want to share a story about something like this and also share my opinion on being played.

Here’s the story that I was referring to:

I had a friend recently tell me about how she met someone but they have been playing with them and also using them. It started with friendship and favors. However, when her lady friend lost his job and also lost his car, it became a bigger issue. He would take her car and use her money for silly things rather than pay bills. Now it is getting worse because this guy is teasing her with sex and mind fucking her by lying to her. She is not only confused but losing money and almost lost her job because of this guy.

Now, I have a simple rule for the story above: If you can help someone then help them but if you cannot, don’t lose sleep over it.  It is said to see someone go through something like this. This is how things are now because there are a lot of people that are unemployed and they become users and abusers. Now when they become that, that’s when they being to play with other people’s emotions and wallets.

My advice to my friend was simple: Move on and forward because this person will hurt you if you don’t. I hate to see someone being used and played but it is something that cannot be avoided. Especially, when she has a good heart and is a good Christian woman that is getting played.

One more thing, I know you cannot avoid this but you prevent it by simply not being as trusting as you have been. I have learned to see these users and abusers from a mile away. Some people would call me a user and an abuser. All I can say is that life is a bunch of twist and turns. All you can do is go with the flow or get hurt by the curves. That’s all for now but there will be more to come.

Eugene Chandler III

May Madness: Being a Bitch....

Dear Friends,

Lately, I have been hit hard with something that I find funny and tragic. This is something that most men won’t bring up or speak of. We as men are told not to call women bitches but there are times that women do act like a bitch. I know that if you call a woman a bitch you are also talking about your mother.  I know at times my mother acts like a bitch but she also has mellowed in her old age. With all that said, I really think it’s time to bring this up because some women act entitled or spoiled at times. I also think that there are other reasons why some women act like a bitch.

If you were to ask women their number one pet peeve with men these days, it is what I call the trifecta. If a man has a job, car, and a place then they are happy and cool. However, in life we have issues and difficulties and some times but some women don’t care about that. That’s where some women become bitches because of their lack of empathy. Something I have been seeing is that when a man have a job, they are cool but if they are broke, fuck you loser. Same thing when a man has no place or a car. It is growing to be a double standard with this because if a woman is homeless, jobless, or car-less then some men would be dicks to them.

Some women are materialistic. The ones that are would not hide it but tell you. Others are not going to say something but you could pick up on it. The women that act like bitches tend to also act materialistic because they don’t want to be without. Women do work hard these days for what they have but it is also growing a materialistic mentality. A man could be flashy and showy but if a woman does that, she is a bitch as well.

One more thing, women are being snobs. Being a bitch is also like being a snob. Their mothers in the past were not selective with things but there are more choices. Women of the past would pass these traits to their kids. These days it is growing to be an issue because the younger women grow to being snobs and being bitchy at the same time.

I might not have made a clear point but my point is that women that are being a bitch these days are going to pass this on to their daughters or even sons. If you going to be like that, then notify people because it is not fun to find out as you go. Younger women act like bitches because they are entitled. Older women act like bitches because they have been hurt. I am not trying to be a dick but someone needs to bring it up. If I get hate mail, then be it. Speak to you all soon.

Eugene Chandler III

May Madness: Reunited

Dear Friends,

Recently, I had the pleasure of being with someone that I have not seen in years. It was nice to take a break from my life to be with someone that has been a part of my life and can relate to me. Also, it was a bonus to not only seen this person but also be reminded of how someone could be a potential soulmate. This is going to be a unique entry because this is going to be short and to the point.

I have not seen this woman in less than ten years. She is a beautiful woman to me. Her smile is infectious and her energy was higher than most people I work with. I think the only reason why we have not seen each other is because of how life carries people in different directions. Another thing is that how people grow in a decade. Ten years tend to change people. Being reunited with someone like her made me reevaluate my life and what I want to in the time I got in this life.

Being reunited with someone from your past can be a good thing. It makes you think and sees changes for the better. It also makes you want to become something different. Just like my best friend and I, this is my other best friend. She knows my likes and dislikes. She remembers the keys to what makes me happy. Just like my best friend, this woman is the only other person that loves me unconditionally. Unconditional love is a rare treat in the world these days. I guess I am blessed to have two women in my life that’s not family that loves me like that. I thank them for that and more. There will be more to come but that’s all for now.

Eugene Chandler III

May Madness: Knowing Your Place

Dear Friends,

Recently, I have been having some changes in the people that are my friends and those who I wanted more than friendship from. One of the main reasons why I hate dating is because some women tend to make sure men know their place in their life. Some women don’t do this and want a man to make them happy but others make sure men know their place. This is something I have wanted to write about because it boggles my mind as to how women do this. So this is going to be the blog about knowing your place in life and with women in general.

First and foremost, why do women tell a man to know his place in their lives? Some women have been hurt by men and that’s their way to weed out the users from the sincere ones. That I can understand and relate to only because I have been hurt myself. I can also understand if the woman is too busy to be in a relationship and just want a man for friendship or a shoulder to lean on. That makes perfect sense to me. However, in this world we live in now, women make a man know their place because to some women, they either use men for monetary purposes and sex or they use a man to have kids and leave them out in the cold. Either way, it is not a good way to make a man feel worth something.

Second, if a woman has been hurt and you just want a male friend, then just say so. Some women don’t make that clear at first or worse, they do something to change or ruin the friendship. Some women tend to do this by screwing a male friend. Some men don’t mind this but those men would take advantage of the situation. Others would do their best to be gentlemen and progress the friendship. If a woman really wants something they would make it clear not use the situation.

Third, if you are complete opposites but you remain friends then leave it as that. Don’t lead a man on to thinking you want him and he won’t do the same. People that date tends to skew the line between friendship and lovers. Having differences is a good thing but also can come back to bite you in the ass. Something I learned is that if you meet someone and you seek friendship but want more then let your intentions be known but if the woman is your opposite or worse, then definitely say something before it gets bad. Some women forget to say something and the situation gets worse. I guess it is better to have similar likes than differences.  

Finally, this is my biggest pet peeve with women: being materialistic. I understand that it is hard to find work. I understand that it is hard to not have a place, a car, or even hope for the future. Some women do have all these things and more while being independent. Some women want a man for friendship and more. Some women don’t want a man at all. However, if a man does not have a job then doesn’t assume he is broke. If a man does not have a place, don’t assume he’s homeless. Women that are materialistic think or assume that if they pay for dinner, movies, or even ice cream then the man is trifling. I don’t have a place to live at per se but I do have a job. I can pay my bills and treat someone to dinner, a movie or ice cream. My overall point is that if a woman makes a man know their place, then things will be ok but if they don’t that’s where the issues lie. For now, I will let this go but I also hope people learn something from this. There is more to come.

Eugene Chandler III

May Madness: Bad Boys and Good Men

Dear Friends,

Usually, I would not really vent about what people think about me. I decided to do this entry only to finally ask this question out loud. Lately, some of my friends especially some of my female friends admitted that they want a bad boy. Now for the last 10 years, I have been plagued with the label of being good. I already did a good guy blog and a bad guy blog this week. However, why is it that most women want a bad boy? With all the shit on TV like reality TV, court shows, and other shit, why does a woman want a bad boy? I am not a saint but I am not out in the street selling drugs, stealing, or doing a street hustle. So just like what I just asked about why a woman wants a bad guy, I really want to ask what does a bad boy got that makes a woman want them over someone that is trying to be good.

First of all, I honestly think some women are really conflicted with their choices in men. By wanting a bad boy, you set yourself to the reticule of being associated to someone that is not doing good for themselves. I say that because if you watch daytime TV or even any reality show, the bad boys always get called to do DNA test for kids and being basically a male ho. I have stories of female friends bitching about their boyfriends who are bad boys basically fucking around, selling drugs or beating them. I might be wrong for saying this but most of it is true. Like I said, I am not a saint but at least I am myself and real not a persona.

Second, for these women that want a bad boy, there is also the fact that you can get caught into their world and their dirty. I know most of the bad boys hold good jobs but we all know that the streets are a brutal bitch sometimes. Women that hang with bad boys tend to be caught into the crosshairs of stupid nonsense. Women do die from being with their bad boy boyfriends while hanging in the streets. I am not trying to sound jaded but watch the news and see what I mean.

Third, bad boys and good women do equal baby drama. No matter how you spin it, baby drama usually kills the façade of a bad boy. Maury is a prime example of what happens when you get a wannabe or legit bad boy with a woman or little girl. DNA test and polygraphs test run rampant with women that wanted a bad boy but get someone that becomes a deadbeat dad.

Fourth, my personal favorite when some women say they want a bad boy: because good guys finish last. That’s a bunch of bullshit. I am not a psychologist but most of these women that want a bad boy show that their reasons stem from the opposite of what their fathers or father figures did. If they worked their asses off, they wanted someone that did a street hustle.

I might be speaking out of my ass. I might sound like a bitter person for what some women want in a guy. However, I just wish that some women would think about the real men in the world. Guys that want someone to be themselves and not females looking for a thrill or someone that is different then what they been dealing with. Sometimes, it is easier for some people to just be alone. I am not saying that about myself but I think men would be happier with normal women and vice versa for women. I am not saying all bad boys are not good for some women but I am saying that those that are really bad and no good don’t need someone good to be with them. What’s ironic is that most of my female friends tell me they want a bad boy but really they want someone that can provide and support themselves and others.  I guess I will never know what makes a woman want a bad boy but I can hope to find women that want a good man.

Eugene Chandler III