Summer Showdown: Reflection of One's Life

Dear Friends,

While I was doing some spring cleaning, I found some letters from someone that I really need to start talking to again. I cannot mention this person’s name but then again, there are not a lot of people I talk to that I need to talk to. This person is someone that I lost contact with and also need to make amends to make things right. I think people should not have enemies or people they lose contact with. No need to have regrets especially with people they were close to. This is going to be an interesting entry because this is going to be hard to speak on without mentioning names.

First of all, this person I speak of is someone that I regret to have let go. I will admit that this person is someone that I was in love with and had a shot of a future with. It is funny that the older you get the people you feel you could be married to. I am learning that now more so than ever. I think it is ironic that letters I kept from this person are the reasons why I still live day to day.

When I met this person, they open my eyes to a world that I never thought existed. Well that might have been because this person was younger than I was at the time. I rarely kept company with someone younger than myself because of the implications of molestation or rape. This person was there when I was deeply depressed. This was during a time in my life that I wish I could change everything. During this time, I found a friend in someone that was having a lot of things wrong going on as well. I think we clicked because we wanted to be people that were going to keep us sane and safe.

So what went wrong? Why did we lose touch with each other? Well both answers are that we both changed and grew apart. We wanted different things and wanted to be with different people. I laugh that I kept the letters but then again, it was because I needed something to get me through my depression. I consider it like a restart sequence that I use to get my shit back together. I tend to think that if I wanted to get in touch with this person, they might not want to speak to me.

I guess it is fitting that I did this entry because this was a way to cleanse my mind and my conscience about this person. Also it was a way to start my life over again because of what has been going on with my current work situation. I spent the past few days moping around but after finding these letters, this was the kick in the ass I needed to move on and forward. Until then, there will always be more to come from me.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Life As It Is or Life As You Want It To Be

Dear Friends,

Have you ever felt like your life was not the way you want it to be like? Have you ever wanted to be someone different? Have you ever felt like what you accomplished was not enough? These are questions I have asked myself over the last sixteen years. Most eighteen year old kids aren’t questioning their lives or wanting to be someone or something different. I felt like I was different. I knew that since June 10^th, 1996, when I graduated from high school. After over a decade and a half, thinking about what I wanted and what I am are two different things. Lately, I have been seriously questioning my life especially after my fall from grace. So let’s see where I was supposed to be and where I am now.

Well as I am close to turning 35 years old, I am laughing at the fact that where I am now is out of a job. Like I have stated for the last ten years, I have been at the same job doing the same thing. If I lived the life I wanted, I would probably not be out of a job. Thinking about it long and hard, I would still be working and gearing up to retire early. I originally wanted to be a self made man, living the rich and established life with my family. I find it funny that as I am halfway through my 30’s but feel like my life is over.

So we all know that I have a son but in my dream reality, I would actually be a part of my child’s life. Actually in my dream reality, I would be a father, husband, and more. What people don’t realize with me is that I want normalcy. I was born into the age of a two parent dynamic. My mother and father were in my life but not together or at the same time. I watched Bill Cosby show people that there is such a thing as a wife and husband that are successful and happy. 1980’s TV was sappy but it does make a person want more in their life.

So what would make a successful person be happy? Basically, what I just said plus the added incentive of being someone loved and respected. I tell people that I don’t regret my actions in my life but I will change my life if I had the chance. Change might not be good but it is better than dwelling on stupid shit. I think people need to change to adapt to the world they live in. I learned that the hard way over and over again.

Finally, as I am getting ready to start life again for the fifth time, I am hoping to see something that will give me something to be happy about. Happiness is something I have said over and over again that I seek in life. Happiness is basically in the long run what people should seek in their life. I hope to be someone that can stop bitching about not being happy and just living life. We will see.

Eugene Chandler III

Summer Showdown: Petty Family Issues

Dear Friends,

Family is something that is suppose to cherished. Most people are blessed to have a true family unit. Some people might not have a good family and end up creating and adopting people to substitute for a real family. There are some things that families suppose to do. Families are suppose to help each other, support each other and definitely feel safe around these people that are suppose to be your family. However, families don't support to screw over each other, steal from each other and basically make people not wanted or loved. What kills me is that in the modern world, families now are more so selective and vicious towards other family members. I had an incident recently where I learned that the modern family is not supportive but vindictive and petty.

I spend some time seeing some family that I do not normally spend time with. I was happy to see these people and spend time with them. During the course of the week, things were changing. Instead of happiness and bonding, I was met with feelings that are considered sins. There are people envious of me and my success. There are people stealing from me. I mean it got so bad that I had to sleep with certain items near me or hidden from others. Why do I have to hide anything from family? Now, why would someone in my family would steal anything from me? Now I been in shelters and had to sleep with my wallet in my underwear. Does that mean I have to hide my id in my crotch?

So do you think someone stepped up to admit stealing? Fuck no, just people denying anything that were done wrongly. I love how some people asked me to give someone in my family a benefit of a doubt. Respect is not given but earned. Same goes for people who are suppose to be blood related. My biggest advice to you all is that if you feel that your family will steal from you or fuck you over in some way; Please either leave them alone or accept that this person will do something to fuck you over in the long run. I hate to admit that my family changed how I think. I also feel like it is hard to see what people would do to other family members. Next time I come over to see family, I might need to ensure that my money, my information, and anything else is either hidden from people or safe somewhere else. It is sad to see people in this setting.

Eugene Chandler III