December To Remember: Wish List For 2012

Dear Friends,

As we get further into winter and closer to 2012, I love to think about the future. I have been doing that since 1996. I think my best years are behind me but I think I got like 3 more good years left before I finally find myself and stop seeking what I should have in my life. I am 33 yrs old but no wife and a son that I have not seen in years. I have been through so much with other woman and other people that I wonder how I am still living day to day. My depression consumes like ¾ of the year and I am happy for a short amount of time.  I use to think my reason for blogging is to clear my conscience but it’s more of a coping mechanism to fight my depression and try to have some focus in my life. I am not going to reflect on 2011 until after Christmas and I am not going to talk about my depression because it is in check for now. I am going to actually talk briefly about things I want to do in 2012.

This is my short list of things I hope to accomplish in 2012. I am not making any New Year Resolutions this year because I want to get my goals accomplished and finally be clear of so much stress in my life. It’s short because it is simple things that can be done.

1. Clear my credit. I would love to be able to look at my credit report in 2012 and get rid of some old things like really old debts.
2. Finish my college degree. I got my associate’s degree but would love to get my bachelor’s degree and be done with school. I am not trying to be in school for the rest of my life.
3. Seeing my son. Hopefully try to know my son and maybe be able to help him grow.
4. Have a career not just a job. A job is temporary but a career is more long lasting. I want to do what makes me happy not what gets me by month to month.
5. Possibly try to find love again. I am not dating anyone and I will not be with anyone until I find real love not something quick.
6. Knowing myself again. I am single because I need to remember who I am. I am not going to mess up this opportunity for self discovery.
7. Reconnecting with family. I hope to get back in touch with my extended family. I also need to meet people who are my distant relatives.
8. Do more exciting things. I think I need more excitement because I lacked it after this past summer.
9. Keep active. I try to do things but they are only short term. I need to do more to keep my mind active and also on more positive things.
10. Leave Michigan for good. I need a fresh start. No more going to place to place. I need to do something to give myself a fresh start with a life that is different.

Some of these things are simpler to do than others but I hope to get maybe like half done in 2012 in order to be a better man and hopefully a potential husband to some lucky woman. I been seeking a family since 2000 and I am going to get my family before I get to be 40 years old. I just need to find focus and get myself right to be able to have the life I want and be happy. That’s all for now but more to come soon.

Eugene Chandler III

December To Remember: Flashback To 1996

Dear Friends,

Even though 2011 is not over yet, I want to use this entry to go back to 1996-1999. Recently, I was reading my original adult journals from University of Detroit Mercy from 1996-1999. My god, there is enough material to write some TV shows, some books, and even some movies. I know I have talked about my past but after 15 yrs some things became crystal clear to me. Looking at my life from back then to now is like comparing the world in before 9/11 and after 9/11. What’s funny is that I done more in my private journal than in my blogs now. The more I read about the past, the more I think my life got worse. Well this entry in going to be a compare and contrast with some key points.

First and foremost, I have to mention that compared to now, I been in more relationships. I could not believe how much more in love I was with my ex back then as to my exes now. What’s funny is that I mentioned my high school sweetheart a few times in my journal back in 1996-97. It took me like 15 years to get over her just to date her again. Well at least this time, it was not a bad breakup. However, the whole thing with Andrea did make me change some views of who I want to be with. Michelle M. made me feel better about myself but further made me think about who I am with. From 1996-1999, I had only two real relationships. Compare that to 2000-2011, which I had more than eight which includes Michelle M. and Andrea. I would think after 15 years, I would be able to understand and happy with someone but I think I learn what to do to get in trouble with women.

Second, life in 1996-99 for me was simpler because I was just starting to live life. What’s ironic is that my son was born exactly 10 years before my life changed. Life for me was simpler because I was in school, I was working, I was focused, and I was happier. Now in today’s standards: I am barely working, I am barely graduated from school, I lost my focus, and fighting depression. After reading my past entries, I think I remember my root for being depressed now. The exact date was October 22^nd, 1996. I was on my own and alone. I have written in here numerous times about not wanting to be alone. As compared to now, I have been alone more now than I was in 1996.

Third, I had a shitload of opportunities that I took and some I did not go for. I know that back then, I could get more done and with less stress. Again, most of my past occurred before 9/11/01. I could remember all the jobs that I was getting both as a college student and when I was not in college.

Finally, I think I was more prepared for a wife and kids now than I was back then. I was scared to be a parent and even more fearful of getting any woman pregnant. When I was 20/21, I think I was more fearless of life because I was young, dumb and full of myself. Due to a lot of shitty relationships and even more dumb mistakes, I think I lost that mojo and bravado. I am lucky to see a new day with some sense of hope. That’s all for now but more to come.

Eugene Chandler III