November To Remember: Myspace Blog Flashback

Dear Friends,

            Usually, I don’t mention what others write because it’s their words and their thoughts but today I saw some stuff that I had to mention. I was playing around on the web and for some reason, I logged into my Myspace account. As I was looking around the new Myspace, the old content was still there. So I decided to read what some of my friends wrote. Most were just commenting about life back in 2007-2009 but there were a few people that were going through a lot during that time. What bothers me is that what they wrote about either came back this year or still haunts them today. This entry is about what I saw and my opinion of it.

            The first thing I came across was my own blogs from 2007 to 2008. I already said something about what I wrote in 1997 to now but during 2007 and 2008 were very epic because my son was born in 2007 and my mind was still in shock that I had a son. I still can remember what I was doing when I was told that my son was born. I also remember that I met my next two exes via Myspace. One ended up going back to her baby daddy and the other one I let go. Thinking about it now has made me laugh at the other things going on in 2007 like being played by a neighbor and allowing some ho in my house. Thank god for Myspace to remind me of how fucked up things were.

            After looking at my own memories on Myspace, I went to someone else’s page and was looking at their pics. This person still had their marriage pictures on their page. Even though, this person was not married anymore, I found it funny. I also find it funny that they would write about how much they hated their ex. Now this person is someone that ended up getting remarried close to two years later. Unlike their first marriage, this person is still happily married now. What a difference some time makes in a person’s life.

            Another friend of mines was divorced in 2007. They also had some pics of their kids and their ex. I was shocked to find out that they not only cheated on their ex but was losing the kids. This sounded like someone I know now. I am glad that this person left Michigan with the kids, and is not happy in Arizona in the heat. However, back then this person was trying to become someone famous. I am glad they changed their mind and also their life goals. Being famous is not something most people dream of.

            One more person I visited was my ex that left me during the winter of 2007. She was very cute and intelligent. Before she had her first child, she was not going to end up like her mother. Ironic because she has two kids and lives near Detroit. When she wanted to go back to her baby daddy, I told her to go and make this last. She loved him but she was with me because he was with someone. I honestly think 2007 was the best and worse year in my life. I might have had my son and I was working but I had women like this girl run back to her baby daddy.

            What I learned from reading these blogs and remembering what my friends went through made me think that I survive worse shit in my life. Again, reading about the past showed me that it’s time to stop the pattern of my life. No more jumping into things and getting hurt. Even though I did not jump into last relationship, I think I was not thinking clearly. We live and learn, right? That’s all for now but let’s keep faith in God and hope for a better tomorrow.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Depression Review

Dear Friends,

            Even though I promise myself that I would not bring this up, I feel that I might need to not only remind people of this but to also show people that nothing can stop someone from beating things. If you don’t know I suffer from clinical depression. I have been diagnosed since 2005. I think only a few people until now knew this. Most of my former girlfriends knew but not a lot of my friends. I remind people of this only because of what’s been going on in my life and because of a previous blog about this month and next month. This entry is about my new bout of depression.

            Before I continue, I don’t want to hear anyone say shit to me about complaining about my life or anything like that. Unless you have lived my life, don’t come to me like you got any right to shut me up. With that said, let me explain why I decided to write about this. First of all, I have been fighting this depression more so since June. After what happened to me, I knew that my short term happiness was not going to last. I was free and serve my time in hell. I was happy to go back to work and get my life in order. Even though, I was happy with Michelle and her kids the feeling of depression was masked. I tend to think our separation was caused by both of us getting depressed. My depression always dies in the summer but flared up two weeks before Halloween.

            Second of all, someone though my depression peaked when my son came into the world. Honestly, my son does not make me depressed but the fact that I am not around for him does play heavy on my life. I always let people know that I am not able to see him while I am depressed. Kids feed off their parents and adults when they are not alright. I learned that lesson while dealing with Michelle’s kids. I think about my son and hope that he’s ok. I don’t have the means to see him but I pray for his soul and his health.

            Third, even though I do suffer from depression, I tend to think my depression is like getting upset. They both have triggers or buttons. My triggers for my depression are as simple as pie. I was told that my depression is triggered by the seasons. When I was diagnosed in 2005, it was after working the baseball season and at the time working for DPS during the cold winter. I also think my depression was something that was manifesting since 1995 with ironically the events that occurred with Michelle in high school, and then being alone for all of my freshman year at college. I dealt this my depression undiagnosed for ten years.

            Lately, I have been doing a lot more reflection because I have been reading my old journals. I see in my own writing that I was hiding my depression and also hiding my issues of the past. I think I did a better job of doing that in my twenties. In my early thirties, I think my guard is not as strong and I think I allowed so much to make me weaker. Even in my old journals, I think I was more focused. Some say that depression kills your concentration. I tend to disagree. I had fewer distractions in 1996-2000.

            Finally, I find it funny that my cycle of dating started and ended with the same person. I bring this up because the events of me dating Michelle might have made me see my life differently. I was a teen quietly dealing with depression but never committed suicide. Now after we been separated, I see the same thing but different situation. I know I suffer from depression and I don’t want to end my life but rather change it. My depression has made me see things differently. So I hope this is my last time getting depressed. I don’t want to ever take pills because they tend to change behavior and simply removing stress is a better answer. There will be more to come but that’s all for now.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: 1998 Journal vs 2011 Blog

Dear Friends,

            As I was thinking about things, I was reading my original journal entries from 1999-2000. As I read these things, I was dealing with a lot more issues and drama then I did not. I actually started to laugh a bit because I forgot about people I was talking to and some issues that I forgot the reason why it happened. Reading these journals gave me something to think about all weekend. What’s hilarious is the fact that from 1996-1998, I did not have a steady relationship until Fall 1998/Winter 1999. This entry is about the issues I dealt with in 1998 to what I just dealt with in 2011.

            My first comparison is who I was dating. Now this is funny and confusing because Michelle is my high school sweetheart. So back in 1995, that relationship ended. When I got into school in 1996, I finally let her go. I went from internet dating girls to dating my former best friend and college sweetheart. That was a fun but crazy time. Pretending to be in love with someone inCanada, or somewhere else was great at the time but thinking about now is not a good thing. I think I had at least five supposed internet girlfriends before I started to find real people. I had three more women who were close but never worked out. That includes my infamous girl who used God as a cop out to not date me. When I started to date my college sweetheart, I was glad to be with someone close and real. Now as I get to what’s going on now, I find myself laughing because I dated my high school sweetheart over again. Unlike in high school, she did not leave the state to get away from me.

            My second comparison is the way of life in 1998 to 2011. In 1998, things were simpler and not as crazy as they are now. I find myself reading about my thoughts onClinton’s presidency, the internet, life inDetroitand even my future. I remember watching TV shows not reality TV. I remember even when wrestling was cool to watch. I can say that nothing will ever be the same. I can say that I witness seeing a man of color as president. Even thoughClintonhad some black tendencies, Obama is better. The internet is vast and infinite. No more dial up but all wireless.Detroitis going to hell and my future is not written yet. No comment about wrestling.

            My finally comparison is the content of writing. I think I write more and let more people see my thoughts. I started to blog because I want people to know my life but if something happens to me, they know how I lived. My journals were more of my way to keep my sanity. My blogs make sure I never lose my way again. I find it easier to type out a blog than to write in a journal. You can call this my upgrade to pen to paper. There is more to come but later days.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: A Weekend Of Revelations and Healing

Dear Friends,

            As of today, I am happy and blessed. I am happy to be able to think and breathe. I am blessed to be able to see today and hopefully tomorrow. I am not going to use this entry to bash or demean my current ex. This entry is about my weekend of revelation and healing. I will say that I learned my lesson about second chances with someone. I am someone that gives second chances and also get second chances.

            My first revelation is that I need to finally work on myself. I have been hearing for years that I jump from woman to woman. I don’t make time for myself and I cling on to my woman. So I am not looking for someone at all. I know by doing that, someone will come to me. I just hope that it does not happen anytime soon. My second revelation is that my time has come to find new surroundings. No more running to my mom or family. I need to fly somewhere else. My final revelation is simply to know and love Eugene. I change my ways and my life to accommodate my woman. No more of that because I need to be myself. My current ex hated that I did that but I did it to avoid fights.

            Usually I would cry or beg to be with my ex but this is different. I had a feeling this was not going to work out like I wanted because there was so much going on. There were things that I was not use to dealing with but I dealt with it like a soldier. After my dealings with Andrea, I told myself to not make more mistakes. I might have slipped but I worked through it. However, with Michelle there were many issues I had to deal with that could not be fought or dealt with. I am not passing blame or throwing a pity party as she might think. I can say that I am happy rather than sad because as much as I loved Michelle, our baggage came between us.

            So my future is not clear, and my heart is healing. I have not lost my faith because God is with me. All I know is that for now, I am alive and well. I am going to be a great man for someone but for now, I will love the man I am. Someone once told me that you need to wake up and tell yourself to smile, dance and remember what makes you a great person. Well I smile more than I use to. I dance in the shower or alone. Finally, I remember that I am not some dumb ass but a very smart and talented man. That’s all for now but more to come.

Eugene Chandler III