Dear Friends,
Seeing that I am no longer working until next summer, I have
time on my hands. This also means that I can also reflect on some things. I
wrote in my last entry about my dream of being married and having a family.
Doing that entry was very trying because I am trying to not give up on that
dream. I’m not a dreamer but that is one thing I keep close to my heart. Something
that has been bothering lately is my choice to be alone. For years, I have been
bitching and moaning to my exes and friends about not wanting to be alone. So I
decided to be alone and hope for someone to be with me. This entry will be
about some moments that I wished I was not alone. Being alone is not something
I want in my life.
Earlier this spring, I was actively dating someone who
really was not into me but she did like having me around. Like with a lot of
women my age or younger, they want a man that is not like them or fit a certain
type. I am not a thug, I don’t sling drugs, and I don’t do anything dishonest.
I am an asshole at times but not all the time. So this girl liked me but felt
that I wanted more and she did not want me. I do want more. I don’t want to be
in a relationship based on lust and money. I don’t pay for sex. So this girl
moved on. This was the catalyst for me being alone.
Later in the summer, I met a single mother who I have been
talking to. She and I have been out on a date. Mostly we have been out on
drives and other things with her daughter. Her daughter likes me for the most
part. This woman likes me but feel like there is no way for us to be anything
else but friends. We do date but not like how it is suppose to be done. I want
to prove her wrong because I do like her but she is right because of scheduling
and also the fact that I want a family. She made it clear that she does not
want to have more kids. I want kids. So for now, I love her company.
During my birthday, I had the honor of spending it with a
good friend. Unfortunately, deep down I didn’t really have fun. Don’t get me
wrong, that this year’s birthday was better than most birthdays but it was not
something I wanted. I guess I am use to spending my birthday with a girlfriend.
Since 1998, I have not spent a birthday alone. This was the first year that I
was not dating someone and spent my birthday alone. I was alone in the sense
that my friend was cheering me up but internally I was alone. I got through the
day without crying.
From late August to last week, I have had to spend my time
alone in deep thoughts. In my deep thoughts, I kept my mind focused on not
being alone. When at work, I was surrounded by people. However, after work, the
feeling of being alone settled in. One nagging thing about being alone is the
endgame. This is where you live with being alone, do something drastic to not be
alone or become suicidal. I chose to be alone because I don’t want to do
something drastic and I am too strong to kill myself.
As I finish this entry, I have taught myself to move on and
forward. I did that for every relationship, for every life decision, and every
choice I make. So I decided to move on and be alone. Most people have told me
this is the time to love myself. I don’t want to love myself but have someone
else’s love. I live with my decision. I will have someone in my life but until
then, being alone is my only solace.
Eugene Chandler III
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