Thursday, October 14, 2010
Halloween Havoc 2010: Last Months Issues
Dear Friends,
The following are a group of blogs I wrote last month. They will discuss why I stopped blogging and other issues I dealt with. I will be blogging more this month and eventually will be doing vlogs and blogs all next month. Here are the blogs for September:
In the last two months now, I have been fighting a lot. I have been fighting the end of my latest relationship. I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting to see my only son. I have been fighting myself. I am trying to see the positive of things but all I keep seeing is the opposite. I consider myself a realist and look at the here and now. However, I keep thinking about what’s to come. As I am writing this blog, I am at the last lap to at least getting my associates degree in business management. About three years ago, I was close to graduating with an associate in marketing at another school. About ten years ago, I would have had my bachelors’ degree in business and communications. I could have my degree two times over but I allowed someone to fuck my life up. I also allowed depression and other shit to make me fall from grace.
So during those times in between going to school, I would pick myself up and try to move on. However, my weakness of being in love had prevented me from being happy. I have had people tell me that I need to love myself before I love another woman. The truth is that I love myself enough to live with my faults. I also have love for others but in all honest, I feel like that is becoming a weakness. Lately, I find myself in a shitty situation. I live with someone that is not happy to be with me. However as of late, this same person is doing whatever it takes to upset me. I’m not letting her but that’s becoming a battle. I am stuck in my life. I am trying my best to not let the shit affect school.
So what do I do with my life? I am moving on with my life. I am focused on school. The internet is my mistress and school is my lover. So I guess I am also back to blogging since therapy is not work. I have been doing my best to uplift my life and also try to keep on the straight path. I have until May 2011 to finally finish school. After close to 11 years of being in college, I can say I have some kind of degree in my possession. Will I find love? For now, I can say that I do have a network of friends to help me keep what little sanity under control. So for now, this is my Genesis. My rebirth of my life and of what I am capable of doing to help others and gain peace in my life.
For the first time ever, I am dating. As you know, I don’t like that word. Dating to me is basically a way for women to reject you. You can talk to 500 women but only like one or two will be suitable for you to be friends with or something more intimate. The other 498 are looking for sex, a sugar daddy, or something worse. In my case, a lot of my ex-girlfriends were special cases. There is a book I am reading called: “The Seven Dumbest Mistakes in Relationships That Smart People Make”, and in the book it talks about trying to not be a savior in the relationship. I think I am guilty of trying to save these girls from life but I find myself getting fucked over in the process. In a previous blog, I talked about my relationship with my ex fiancée who is also my best friend. As friends, we are cool but our relationship was not a great one.
As I try to see if I am capable of loving someone else, I remind myself of all the mistakes I made. I remind myself of all the nights of praying that I find someone to love me just to get fucked over in the process. I remind myself of allowing myself to fall in love but also ending up having my secrets and my dreams crushed. In the last ten years, my dating situation went from being happy to miserable. I can at least count how many women had the pleasure or displeasure of being in love with me and one came close to marrying me. At least one had my son, but even that relationship is strained. Am I that bad of a person to date or even love? I cannot answer that but there are some can tell you that I am the devil or the anti Christ.
So what do I tell women that want to be my friend or more than my friend? I tell them truth about my life and my past relationships. My current ex was obsessed with knowing everything. I learned that people does not need to know everything about someone. Especially, if those secrets come back to bite them in the ass like if you tell someone about being molested, or worse. So if you are interested in knowing me, please understand that everything with me is all about earning my respect and trust. Something my ex could never do because of outside influences. So for now, love each other and try to see love in each person in your life.
As I sit here looking at the screen to type this blog, I was thinking about the lack of blogs. I stop blogging just before the end of March/early April. Originally, I stopped to get through finals and also get ready for baseball. Then I started to see the end of my current relationship which occurred in late June/early July. I know I could have stopped it and I could have loved this woman but the truth is that I wanted it to end because I was not dealing with the same woman I fell in love with. That woman decided to let people get into her head, and also she started to do the exact same thing my ex fiancée did: she was looking elsewhere to get what she wanted. So why am I blogging now? I said earlier that therapy was not helping me. Every time I go to therapy, it would make me feel better but then I would feel empty and them my ex would fuck it all up. So I came to the realization that these blogs help me see my life in the way I should. I’m honest with myself and can admit my mistakes.
I learned that writing is my way to vent. My first time of blogging was before the internet became popular. I would write in my journal from 1993 to 1995. I stopped during my senior year of high school. I started back in 1996 but there are some gaps from 2002 to 2005 and from 2007 to 2008. That’s because those sites I would blog on were shut down. The funny thing is that fall of 2006 was when my life changed. So I have done my best to keep my life in check but my depression tends to fuck up a good thing. I’m not using that as an excuse but when you are depressed, you don’t want to shit. As of right now, I am not as depressed as I was in 2007. I think I am trying to fight through it to make sure I see 2011 and beyond.
So am I back to blogging? Hell yeah! Blogging is my way to share my life to the world. In high school, I did not want people to know the shit I had to overcome and deal with. In 2010, my life is going to become an open book. I have lived in the shadows too long and I want to see the light. So you could say that this is my season premier of my blogs like how TV shows premier in the fall. I am going to make this work.
Recently, I found out that my ex girlfriend has been talking to men that I work with. Now I should not be concerned or worried but the truth is that I am worried and scared. I’m scared because she’s telling these guys my secrets and my flaws. She’s also telling these guys my business by saying what I did wrong to her. Now that is making me look bad at work but also making her look bad because if a woman bitches about her ex to another man, there must be something there. Do I want my ex back? I cannot answer that but can say that I do not want the person that I’m living with now.
I recently read about how some women want their ex back but before they do they must look at the past and see if the past can’t be repeated in the future. I know my ex does not want me. I know she wants to fuck with all the guys I work with just to upset me. I also know that if I allow her back into my life, I am a pitiful excuse of a man because I don’t want to be alone. If you know me, you know that I hate being alone. Aside from that, she and I are different people. I want someone that is on my level and she wants someone to basically have no dreams or goals in life.
People have been telling me to move on and I have. She has been doing the same thing. The only difference is that my focus is on school and she has been doing everything to upset me. So what now? Well for now, I am going to keep working on myself. I am also going to focus on my life. I am going to do my best to move on because this relationship was the worst I have ever been with. More to come.
(Please note that these were written in late September and early October. There will be more to come.)
Eugene Chandler III
The following are a group of blogs I wrote last month. They will discuss why I stopped blogging and other issues I dealt with. I will be blogging more this month and eventually will be doing vlogs and blogs all next month. Here are the blogs for September:
In the last two months now, I have been fighting a lot. I have been fighting the end of my latest relationship. I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting to see my only son. I have been fighting myself. I am trying to see the positive of things but all I keep seeing is the opposite. I consider myself a realist and look at the here and now. However, I keep thinking about what’s to come. As I am writing this blog, I am at the last lap to at least getting my associates degree in business management. About three years ago, I was close to graduating with an associate in marketing at another school. About ten years ago, I would have had my bachelors’ degree in business and communications. I could have my degree two times over but I allowed someone to fuck my life up. I also allowed depression and other shit to make me fall from grace.
So during those times in between going to school, I would pick myself up and try to move on. However, my weakness of being in love had prevented me from being happy. I have had people tell me that I need to love myself before I love another woman. The truth is that I love myself enough to live with my faults. I also have love for others but in all honest, I feel like that is becoming a weakness. Lately, I find myself in a shitty situation. I live with someone that is not happy to be with me. However as of late, this same person is doing whatever it takes to upset me. I’m not letting her but that’s becoming a battle. I am stuck in my life. I am trying my best to not let the shit affect school.
So what do I do with my life? I am moving on with my life. I am focused on school. The internet is my mistress and school is my lover. So I guess I am also back to blogging since therapy is not work. I have been doing my best to uplift my life and also try to keep on the straight path. I have until May 2011 to finally finish school. After close to 11 years of being in college, I can say I have some kind of degree in my possession. Will I find love? For now, I can say that I do have a network of friends to help me keep what little sanity under control. So for now, this is my Genesis. My rebirth of my life and of what I am capable of doing to help others and gain peace in my life.
For the first time ever, I am dating. As you know, I don’t like that word. Dating to me is basically a way for women to reject you. You can talk to 500 women but only like one or two will be suitable for you to be friends with or something more intimate. The other 498 are looking for sex, a sugar daddy, or something worse. In my case, a lot of my ex-girlfriends were special cases. There is a book I am reading called: “The Seven Dumbest Mistakes in Relationships That Smart People Make”, and in the book it talks about trying to not be a savior in the relationship. I think I am guilty of trying to save these girls from life but I find myself getting fucked over in the process. In a previous blog, I talked about my relationship with my ex fiancée who is also my best friend. As friends, we are cool but our relationship was not a great one.
As I try to see if I am capable of loving someone else, I remind myself of all the mistakes I made. I remind myself of all the nights of praying that I find someone to love me just to get fucked over in the process. I remind myself of allowing myself to fall in love but also ending up having my secrets and my dreams crushed. In the last ten years, my dating situation went from being happy to miserable. I can at least count how many women had the pleasure or displeasure of being in love with me and one came close to marrying me. At least one had my son, but even that relationship is strained. Am I that bad of a person to date or even love? I cannot answer that but there are some can tell you that I am the devil or the anti Christ.
So what do I tell women that want to be my friend or more than my friend? I tell them truth about my life and my past relationships. My current ex was obsessed with knowing everything. I learned that people does not need to know everything about someone. Especially, if those secrets come back to bite them in the ass like if you tell someone about being molested, or worse. So if you are interested in knowing me, please understand that everything with me is all about earning my respect and trust. Something my ex could never do because of outside influences. So for now, love each other and try to see love in each person in your life.
As I sit here looking at the screen to type this blog, I was thinking about the lack of blogs. I stop blogging just before the end of March/early April. Originally, I stopped to get through finals and also get ready for baseball. Then I started to see the end of my current relationship which occurred in late June/early July. I know I could have stopped it and I could have loved this woman but the truth is that I wanted it to end because I was not dealing with the same woman I fell in love with. That woman decided to let people get into her head, and also she started to do the exact same thing my ex fiancée did: she was looking elsewhere to get what she wanted. So why am I blogging now? I said earlier that therapy was not helping me. Every time I go to therapy, it would make me feel better but then I would feel empty and them my ex would fuck it all up. So I came to the realization that these blogs help me see my life in the way I should. I’m honest with myself and can admit my mistakes.
I learned that writing is my way to vent. My first time of blogging was before the internet became popular. I would write in my journal from 1993 to 1995. I stopped during my senior year of high school. I started back in 1996 but there are some gaps from 2002 to 2005 and from 2007 to 2008. That’s because those sites I would blog on were shut down. The funny thing is that fall of 2006 was when my life changed. So I have done my best to keep my life in check but my depression tends to fuck up a good thing. I’m not using that as an excuse but when you are depressed, you don’t want to shit. As of right now, I am not as depressed as I was in 2007. I think I am trying to fight through it to make sure I see 2011 and beyond.
So am I back to blogging? Hell yeah! Blogging is my way to share my life to the world. In high school, I did not want people to know the shit I had to overcome and deal with. In 2010, my life is going to become an open book. I have lived in the shadows too long and I want to see the light. So you could say that this is my season premier of my blogs like how TV shows premier in the fall. I am going to make this work.
Recently, I found out that my ex girlfriend has been talking to men that I work with. Now I should not be concerned or worried but the truth is that I am worried and scared. I’m scared because she’s telling these guys my secrets and my flaws. She’s also telling these guys my business by saying what I did wrong to her. Now that is making me look bad at work but also making her look bad because if a woman bitches about her ex to another man, there must be something there. Do I want my ex back? I cannot answer that but can say that I do not want the person that I’m living with now.
I recently read about how some women want their ex back but before they do they must look at the past and see if the past can’t be repeated in the future. I know my ex does not want me. I know she wants to fuck with all the guys I work with just to upset me. I also know that if I allow her back into my life, I am a pitiful excuse of a man because I don’t want to be alone. If you know me, you know that I hate being alone. Aside from that, she and I are different people. I want someone that is on my level and she wants someone to basically have no dreams or goals in life.
People have been telling me to move on and I have. She has been doing the same thing. The only difference is that my focus is on school and she has been doing everything to upset me. So what now? Well for now, I am going to keep working on myself. I am also going to focus on my life. I am going to do my best to move on because this relationship was the worst I have ever been with. More to come.
(Please note that these were written in late September and early October. There will be more to come.)
Eugene Chandler III
Halloween Havoc 2010: Changes In A Relationship
Dear Friends,
As I sit here writing this blog, my ex is across the room from me. When someone ends a relationship, you wonder what made you fall in love with that person. I lost the woman I was in love in. However, after two months of trying to find that person, you find out that there is someone that wants you back. I realize that for every loss a person has, you gain or regain something back.
So what did I regain? I wish I could tell you but I don’t know. I know that I have the support of my friends and my family. I also know that sometimes people come back into your life to remind you that there is more to life that what you lost. I guess I am happy to see that I got something back. I also know after you lose someone or something, you wonder if you can get it back. I though I could get my ex back but she showed me she wants something else. Something that might get her in some deep shit in the near future.
So as I sit here, looking at my ex, I am happy she is not with me because for once I am free to speak my mind and also seek out new things but re-look at some missed opportunities. While she is being the ho she is becoming, I am working on my life and trying to know the real Eugene. So for now, I am happy to be single but will later bitch about being alone.
Eugene Chandler III
As I sit here writing this blog, my ex is across the room from me. When someone ends a relationship, you wonder what made you fall in love with that person. I lost the woman I was in love in. However, after two months of trying to find that person, you find out that there is someone that wants you back. I realize that for every loss a person has, you gain or regain something back.
So what did I regain? I wish I could tell you but I don’t know. I know that I have the support of my friends and my family. I also know that sometimes people come back into your life to remind you that there is more to life that what you lost. I guess I am happy to see that I got something back. I also know after you lose someone or something, you wonder if you can get it back. I though I could get my ex back but she showed me she wants something else. Something that might get her in some deep shit in the near future.
So as I sit here, looking at my ex, I am happy she is not with me because for once I am free to speak my mind and also seek out new things but re-look at some missed opportunities. While she is being the ho she is becoming, I am working on my life and trying to know the real Eugene. So for now, I am happy to be single but will later bitch about being alone.
Eugene Chandler III
Halloween Havoc 2010: Curse Of The Ex
Dear Friends,
Recently I notice that one of my exes got married. So the total number of exes that are married is at two. So you would think I would be happy or don’t care? I am seeing a pattern with my exes: Once they leave me, they find happiness. I think there are a couple exceptions but 99% of the time, they move on and find happiness. This is something I though was a fad but it is more of a transference of love. They were miserable with me but find someone that made them happy.
My first ex moved to North Carolina, and then found her true love. This ex recent married and is glowing about it. I really think being with me is the poison before getting the antidote. The funny thing is that these two ex girlfriends are my second and third girlfriends I had. My first girlfriend has not talked to me since 1999. Excluding my high school sweetheart who I have been in contact with, I think most of my ex girlfriends are happier without me. Like I said, there is maybe one or two exceptions.
With my current ex girlfriend being number eight, I can say at least close to six of my ex girlfriends are in better relationships or married. I think I can say I’m not a bad person but I know I have bad tendencies. For now, I am not happy being alone but I am definitely not happy to see someone I use to date become a married and happy woman. So why did I bring this up? It is not coincidence that in my life, being with me is like hell before seeing heaven. I am not going to say that I make these women hate me but there is something about being with me that I might need to change to keep a woman happy with me. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
Recently I notice that one of my exes got married. So the total number of exes that are married is at two. So you would think I would be happy or don’t care? I am seeing a pattern with my exes: Once they leave me, they find happiness. I think there are a couple exceptions but 99% of the time, they move on and find happiness. This is something I though was a fad but it is more of a transference of love. They were miserable with me but find someone that made them happy.
My first ex moved to North Carolina, and then found her true love. This ex recent married and is glowing about it. I really think being with me is the poison before getting the antidote. The funny thing is that these two ex girlfriends are my second and third girlfriends I had. My first girlfriend has not talked to me since 1999. Excluding my high school sweetheart who I have been in contact with, I think most of my ex girlfriends are happier without me. Like I said, there is maybe one or two exceptions.
With my current ex girlfriend being number eight, I can say at least close to six of my ex girlfriends are in better relationships or married. I think I can say I’m not a bad person but I know I have bad tendencies. For now, I am not happy being alone but I am definitely not happy to see someone I use to date become a married and happy woman. So why did I bring this up? It is not coincidence that in my life, being with me is like hell before seeing heaven. I am not going to say that I make these women hate me but there is something about being with me that I might need to change to keep a woman happy with me. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
Halloween Havoc 2010: Regrets Of A Father
Dear Friends,
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my son. I have not seen him since he was young back in 2007. I don’t think of myself as a father. I have raised him or talked to him, or even played with him. In his eyes, I am the man that pays for his medical bills and shares genetics with. My son basically does not know I exist.
In my journeys, I have learned a lot about how kids that does not know about their fathers end up resenting them. I know as of right now, my kid will hate me. I also know that for every step I make to see him, I have to take 10 steps back because of some silly issues. I know I am going to get a lot of attitudes because I should see my son and I should be a father to him. It’s easy when you have the means but when you lose those means, it becomes a problem.
So what to do? For now, I will try to keep my son in my heart. I love him and want to be in his life. I cannot wait to see him but for now, I have to hope I don’t lose hope in seeing him or lose my right to see him. Daddy loves you and will see you soon.
Eugene Chandler III
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my son. I have not seen him since he was young back in 2007. I don’t think of myself as a father. I have raised him or talked to him, or even played with him. In his eyes, I am the man that pays for his medical bills and shares genetics with. My son basically does not know I exist.
In my journeys, I have learned a lot about how kids that does not know about their fathers end up resenting them. I know as of right now, my kid will hate me. I also know that for every step I make to see him, I have to take 10 steps back because of some silly issues. I know I am going to get a lot of attitudes because I should see my son and I should be a father to him. It’s easy when you have the means but when you lose those means, it becomes a problem.
So what to do? For now, I will try to keep my son in my heart. I love him and want to be in his life. I cannot wait to see him but for now, I have to hope I don’t lose hope in seeing him or lose my right to see him. Daddy loves you and will see you soon.
Eugene Chandler III
Halloween Havoc 2010: Moving On...
Dear Friends,
So the other day, someone asks me if I still love my ex. I told them hell no. That’s because my current ex is trying to find herself. How many people in their lifetimes try to find themselves? I am still finding myself. I am trying to know what I like and what I hate. In my current ex’s case, she’s trying to hurt me while trying to find her self. I asked on a post via Facebook, would you date people that work with your ex? I think most of my friends said no but I also should not care. Those who say I should not care must not have dealt with something like that. Those who said no, were those that can relate to my dilemma.
As of right now, I am still living with my ex. We are roommates. We don’t do anything outside of talk to each other. However, one rule you do not break is the rule about dating so soon. I have made new friends after we broke up and all I have made were friends. In her case, she did something so fucking ballsy that it still pisses me off. Actually she did two things but rather than to say them, I will keep that to myself. I will say that she is showing some ho-ish tendencies.
The whole situation is very poisonous to not only myself but her as well. We both cannot wait to never see each other again but for now, I go my way and she goes her. I am focused on school and she’s being wild and loose. There is only so much poison a person can take before it kills. I don’t want to die from poison. So for now, I wait for my time to leave and make a clean break. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
So the other day, someone asks me if I still love my ex. I told them hell no. That’s because my current ex is trying to find herself. How many people in their lifetimes try to find themselves? I am still finding myself. I am trying to know what I like and what I hate. In my current ex’s case, she’s trying to hurt me while trying to find her self. I asked on a post via Facebook, would you date people that work with your ex? I think most of my friends said no but I also should not care. Those who say I should not care must not have dealt with something like that. Those who said no, were those that can relate to my dilemma.
As of right now, I am still living with my ex. We are roommates. We don’t do anything outside of talk to each other. However, one rule you do not break is the rule about dating so soon. I have made new friends after we broke up and all I have made were friends. In her case, she did something so fucking ballsy that it still pisses me off. Actually she did two things but rather than to say them, I will keep that to myself. I will say that she is showing some ho-ish tendencies.
The whole situation is very poisonous to not only myself but her as well. We both cannot wait to never see each other again but for now, I go my way and she goes her. I am focused on school and she’s being wild and loose. There is only so much poison a person can take before it kills. I don’t want to die from poison. So for now, I wait for my time to leave and make a clean break. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
Halloween Havoc 2010: My journey to Vlogs.
Dear Friends,
Well I started the next step in my evolution; I am now blogging via video. That’s what they call V-logs. So far, it is something new like when I decided to blog my thoughts. I am doing new things in a slow pace. I am trying to change my life for the better. I sit alone at night with my thoughts. I am alone again. I’m a single man for the sixth time in the last eleven years. Most men cannot say that because more men fuck like rabbits.
I am going through so many changes because of what happened in late July. I am currently living with my ex but that will change sooner than I think. The changes with my ex have made me scared to be in love again but that changed after what my ex was doing while I was living with her. So for me, I still want to be in love and happy but for now, I am in love with school and the internet.
So you might be wondering: what am I going to do when I leave my current living situation? Well I think that will be up to God and hope for a miracle. For now, I am going to be on my path to finish school, to get my life right, and to find happiness in myself and in my wife to be. So for now, I am a work in progress. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
Well I started the next step in my evolution; I am now blogging via video. That’s what they call V-logs. So far, it is something new like when I decided to blog my thoughts. I am doing new things in a slow pace. I am trying to change my life for the better. I sit alone at night with my thoughts. I am alone again. I’m a single man for the sixth time in the last eleven years. Most men cannot say that because more men fuck like rabbits.
I am going through so many changes because of what happened in late July. I am currently living with my ex but that will change sooner than I think. The changes with my ex have made me scared to be in love again but that changed after what my ex was doing while I was living with her. So for me, I still want to be in love and happy but for now, I am in love with school and the internet.
So you might be wondering: what am I going to do when I leave my current living situation? Well I think that will be up to God and hope for a miracle. For now, I am going to be on my path to finish school, to get my life right, and to find happiness in myself and in my wife to be. So for now, I am a work in progress. More to come.
Eugene Chandler III
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