Dear Friends,
One of my biggest dreams in the world is to be married. Call me a hopeless romantic but I want to be married and have a family. I think in my years of dating, I think I have came close to having a loving wife and the ideal of having kids and hope for the future. As time moved on in my life, I am hopeful of having a family. What's funny is that I am hopeful on that part of what I want in life but on other things, I tend to be negative or get depressed about it. My own mother asked me if she will live to hold and be a part of raising a grandchild. The fact that my mother feels like she will not see me married or have kids made me think. So I am going to blog about the chances I had to be a family man and also hoping to still get a chance to be a family man.
First of all, I want to admit something I don't know if I shared or ever blogged about. Instead of having one kid I have not seen, I could have had three kids by now. The girl that would have had my other two kids lost them because she miscarried. Unitl recently, I finally admitted to myself that I could have had two more kids. At the time, I was still in shock from my son coming into the world. This girl who I was with was willing to not only give me a family but also the kids to make up for losing my son. Instead, the stress of having kids made it hard and the girl miscarried. I feel better sharing that because that was a part of my depression.
Second, I find myself hopeful to be a father and a husband. People who know me, know that I am very negative at times. So the thought of being hopeful about something is weird even for me. Most men don't think they are good husband material. I do because when it comes to family, I want to have something normal in my life. I did not have a mother and father both raising me. My mother raised me alone. My father was in and out my life. I want to be able to have a legacy and also have a way to show that I succeeded. Everyone around me is having kids, getting married, and doing more in their lives. I hate to say this outloud but I envy my friends that are happily married.
Third, working this year has been extra hard because more and more fathers brought their sons and daughters to see baseball. I don't sell to kids because it hurts to see kids happy with their fathers and mothers. I am not trying to be mean but when you have not seen your son and you are basically alone, it is hard to be around happy families. I try to avoid crying and also being weak but it did give me something to think about. I think about having that family time, and not having to adopt kids or become a surrogate father or uncle to other people's kids.
I have said that I could have been married time and time again. I had opportunities to be someone's husband but either I messed up or they did not see me as a viable husband. I give and give to all my former lovers and girlfriends. I also do have a heart and care for all my friends and family. I keep reminding myself that I prayed for someone to love me but I also did not ask for someone to love me for me not because I gave them money or something. I hate being used and I don't want to use people. I guess the curse of asking for someone to love is that I have to go through some hard shit. I am hoping for a wife but I might not have enough time left to hope for something like that.
Finally, when it comes to family, I am truly idealistic. That is something that really puzzles me because I have no patience and I hate to wait for things. I guess until I get a family, I have to spend my time alone and thinking. I hate that but I live with it. I live with alot of things and I hope to finally get something back in my life. Until next time, have fun with your family and be blessed to have something that others can't have.
Eugene Chandler III
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