November To Remember: Questioning?

Dear Friends,

According to wikipedia, questioning of one's gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation, or all three is a process of exploration by people who may be unsure, still exploring, and concerned about applying a social label to themselves for various reasons. I bring this up because in my loneliness, this one thing came up at a weird moment. This has happen before when I was in college. Most people during their college years question everything especially about their sexuality and orientation. Before I continue this entry, let me be fucking clear about something: I have been plagued with questions by people about my sexuality, and I have been straight for years. I have gay and lesbian friends but I have never in my life had sex with a man or thought about it. However, in the present day, questioning in my case doesn’t involve if I want to live a gay lifestyle. Like in the definition above, I am unsure of what I want in my life. This is something I have been wanting to blog about but hope people don’t get shit twisted.

All humans question things they do or what others do. People question past mistakes, past good fortunes, and bad things in their lives. I said in the last entry that I move on and forward but I question everything I do. Like I said above, I am not questioning my sexuality but the though crossed my mind if being alone isn’t a good thing. Most men who are alone tend to do things different. Some men pay for sex; some men drink or get high, and most quietly experiment with homosexuality. I don’t believe you are born gay lesbian, or want to be a transgender. I believe you chose to become something you can live with. So I am questioning whether or not to live alone for the rest of my life. By the way, from what I know through my friends: if I EVER wanted to be gay, I would be more miserable because of the pitfalls of being gay and also being African American.

Questioning a life choice is something that we all do in our life. I use to not do that but I think as I get older, I don’t want to make more mistakes. I wanted to write about this because I am getting older and questioning my life choices is something I don’t want to be doing when I am 40 or older. I guess when it comes down to it, questioning you life choices, or even your sexuality is a battle. As you all know, battles is something I am use to in my life. I guess for now, I will always question myself but in my heart and soul, I know who I am and what I am. I hope this will be the end but I guess that is something else I will question.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Being Alone or Not Being Alone

Dear Friends,

Seeing that I am no longer working until next summer, I have time on my hands. This also means that I can also reflect on some things. I wrote in my last entry about my dream of being married and having a family. Doing that entry was very trying because I am trying to not give up on that dream. I’m not a dreamer but that is one thing I keep close to my heart. Something that has been bothering lately is my choice to be alone. For years, I have been bitching and moaning to my exes and friends about not wanting to be alone. So I decided to be alone and hope for someone to be with me. This entry will be about some moments that I wished I was not alone. Being alone is not something I want in my life.

Earlier this spring, I was actively dating someone who really was not into me but she did like having me around. Like with a lot of women my age or younger, they want a man that is not like them or fit a certain type. I am not a thug, I don’t sling drugs, and I don’t do anything dishonest. I am an asshole at times but not all the time. So this girl liked me but felt that I wanted more and she did not want me. I do want more. I don’t want to be in a relationship based on lust and money. I don’t pay for sex. So this girl moved on. This was the catalyst for me being alone.

Later in the summer, I met a single mother who I have been talking to. She and I have been out on a date. Mostly we have been out on drives and other things with her daughter. Her daughter likes me for the most part. This woman likes me but feel like there is no way for us to be anything else but friends. We do date but not like how it is suppose to be done. I want to prove her wrong because I do like her but she is right because of scheduling and also the fact that I want a family. She made it clear that she does not want to have more kids. I want kids. So for now, I love her company.

During my birthday, I had the honor of spending it with a good friend. Unfortunately, deep down I didn’t really have fun. Don’t get me wrong, that this year’s birthday was better than most birthdays but it was not something I wanted. I guess I am use to spending my birthday with a girlfriend. Since 1998, I have not spent a birthday alone. This was the first year that I was not dating someone and spent my birthday alone. I was alone in the sense that my friend was cheering me up but internally I was alone. I got through the day without crying.

From late August to last week, I have had to spend my time alone in deep thoughts. In my deep thoughts, I kept my mind focused on not being alone. When at work, I was surrounded by people. However, after work, the feeling of being alone settled in. One nagging thing about being alone is the endgame. This is where you live with being alone, do something drastic to not be alone or become suicidal. I chose to be alone because I don’t want to do something drastic and I am too strong to kill myself.

As I finish this entry, I have taught myself to move on and forward. I did that for every relationship, for every life decision, and every choice I make. So I decided to move on and be alone. Most people have told me this is the time to love myself. I don’t want to love myself but have someone else’s love. I live with my decision. I will have someone in my life but until then, being alone is my only solace.

Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: Family Man or Alone Soul

Dear Friends,

One of my biggest dreams in the world is to be married. Call me a hopeless romantic but I want to be married and have a family. I think in my years of dating, I think I have came close to having a loving wife and the ideal of having kids and hope for the future. As time moved on in my life, I am hopeful of having a family. What's funny is that I am hopeful on that part of what I want in life but on other things, I tend to be negative or get depressed about it. My own mother asked me if she will live to hold and be a part of raising a grandchild. The fact that my mother feels like she will not see me married or have kids made me think. So I am going to blog about the chances I had to be a family man and also hoping to still get a chance to be a family man.

First of all, I want to admit something I don't know if I shared or ever blogged about. Instead of having one kid I have not seen, I could have had three kids by now. The girl that would have had my other two kids lost them because she miscarried. Unitl recently, I finally admitted to myself that I could have had two more kids. At the time, I was still in shock from my son coming into the world. This girl who I was with was willing to not only give me a family but also the kids to make up for losing my son. Instead, the stress of having kids made it hard and the girl miscarried. I feel better sharing that because that was a part of my depression.

Second, I find myself hopeful to be a father and a husband. People who know me, know that I am very negative at times. So the thought of being hopeful about something is weird even for me. Most men don't think they are good husband material. I do because when it comes to family, I want to have something normal in my life. I did not have a mother and father both raising me. My mother raised me alone. My father was in and out my life. I want to be able to have a legacy and also have a way to show that I succeeded. Everyone around me is having kids, getting married, and doing more in their lives. I hate to say this outloud but I envy my friends that are happily married.

Third, working this year has been extra hard because more and more fathers brought their sons and daughters to see baseball. I don't sell to kids because it hurts to see kids happy with their fathers and mothers. I am not trying to be mean but when you have not seen your son and you are basically alone, it is hard to be around happy families. I try to avoid crying and also being weak but it did give me something to think about. I think about having that family time, and not having to adopt kids or become a surrogate father or uncle to other people's kids.

I have said that I could have been married time and time again. I had opportunities to be someone's husband but either I messed up or they did not see me as a viable husband. I give and give to all my former lovers and girlfriends. I also do have a heart and care for all my friends and family. I keep reminding myself that I prayed for someone to love me but I also did not ask for someone to love me for me not because I gave them money or something. I hate being used and I don't want to use people. I guess the curse of asking for someone to love is that I have to go through some hard shit. I am hoping for a wife but I might not have enough time left to hope for something like that.

Finally, when it comes to family, I am truly idealistic. That is something that really puzzles me because I have no patience and I hate to wait for things. I guess until I get a family, I have to spend my time alone and thinking. I hate that but I live with it. I live with alot of things and I hope to finally get something back in my life. Until next time, have fun with your family and be blessed to have something that others can't have.





Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: World Series Memories - Then and Now

Dear Friends,

Today is the second of November. About a couple of weeks ago, I have been working my ass off during the MLB playoff for the Detroit Tigers. During that time, I was not really in my right mind. I guess I was caught up in the rush of working past October. Last time I worked past October and ended up working a World Series event, it was in 2006. This was before my son's birth. This was before a lot of my current issues. So I am going to blog about the last time I worked a World Series to this current World Series. This is going to be interesting because it is going to require a lot of thought.

So last time I worked a World Series event, it was 2006. My goodness, it was not as cold as it was and the spirit of baseball was more prevalent. During the 2006 Detroit Tigers' season, I was not expecting to work past October. During that time, I was juggling school, work, and traveling to and from my little place outside Flint. I remember how happy I was to do something important. I am a sports fan and working the World Series is like one of the biggest events in this country. As I worked the MLB playoff in 2006, it was electric and I guess it was something to witness seeing over 40,000 people at Comerica Park.

We fast foreward to 2012. Unlike in 2006, the electricity was amped up. Working the MLB playoffs was better but worse that the same time. Unlike in 2006, the end of the season was not stretched into 10 home games in 10 days. Then work the playoffs on little to no rest. The enconomy was different in 2006. More people was willing to spend more back in 2006. During the playoffs this year was hard on me because it was the lack of rest and also the lack of peace of mind. I have done everything to stay healthy but I did get sick.

Basically, the differences in working in 2006 and in 2012 are very simple. First and foremost, the economy was different. There were people working in 2006. This was ironically during the Bush Jr. presidency. However, during the Obama presidency of 2012, it was hard to make money while people were penny pinching and also being cheap. Second, the road to the World Series was different. This was the year there was an extra wid card team. During the 2006 playoff, the Tigers were the only wild card team. Finally, the most important thing is my experience. In 2006, I was in my third year of being a vendor. In 2012, I was in my ninth year of vending. I tend to think I was wiser.

Working the playoffs and the World Series was fun but harder on my body and mind this year. I wanted the high to last but it was cut short last weekend. I am actually happy to get the rest and clear my mind of everything. I bitched and moaned but I survived both 2006 and also this year. I hope that the next time I work a MLB playoff game or get to work the World Series, I will try to be healthy and smart about things. So until next time, speak to you all very soon.






Eugene Chandler III

November To Remember: A Short Letter to My Friends

Dear Friends,

I know it has been a long while since my last blog. I have been busy with working MLB playoff with the Detroit Tigers. I have also been busy with life changes and also other issues. I hated that I could not have done any entries but then again, in my absence I have learned something new and also something that I could share. I am going to try to catch up with the entries because even though I did not write entries, I do have a lot of things to share and say. So this is not a real entry but the real entries will begin today. Speak to you soon, my friends.









Eugene Chandler III