New Year Revolution: All Good Things....

Dear Friends,

“All good things must come to an end.” For every time something good happens to me, this phrase comes and then the good times end. I think this is fitting because life is a rollercoaster. My life is more of a demon drop. Once something good occurs I am at the top. Once life goes to shit, I drop 20 stories to the ground. As I was thinking about the downward spiral I was in from 2006 to 2009, I was hoping for the good things. I was blessed but not enough. That phrase is the basis of this blog because if I am not having good things then when does it end.

I live each day in the simplest way. I live moment to moment, day to day, and step by step. I try not to think about tomorrow because today is not finished. When something is good in someone’s life, you don’t want it to end. The ending of good things makes a person depressed. With that said, I think most of my depression is because of the good times ending abruptly. As much as I want to be happier in my life, too many good things are lost because of life’s turns.

Someone once told me that the end of something is the beginning of something else. I still have not seen the beginning of something else. I always see the end of something and then the return of something. I have been in a twisted series of cycles. I find myself going back to the same women. I use to be happy for that but that’s the twist of the end.

So would that mean since I am not dating, the cycle is over and there will not be anymore good times? I don’t have that answer right now, but I am trying to see if I am able to deal with the beginning of something new and fresh. Also to be free from the cycles I have been in. For now, I will try to change my life and change the some of my thoughts but tomorrow is what I live for at the end.

Eugene Chandler III

New Year Revolution: Antichrist

Dear Friends,

One of my exes, use to call me the Antichrist. Since we broke up, I think that name stuck with me because most of my actions were not of the Christian path. I think most of my life since this ex was spent doing things on a downward spiral. This spiral was from 2006 to 2009. I think this name sticks to me because what I did during this time period was very anti christianly. This blog is going to look at why this bothers me and also bothers my actions now.

When I got my associates degree this past April, which was the aftermath of this time period. January 2009, was the last time I was called or though about being the Antichrist. My ex AF cleanse me from that time period. That’s only after dealing with the drama and the mess of this time period. I think a part of my though process during my college graduation was to never go back to this point of my life. However, in my head the name will stick.

January 2006 started the point of which the Antichrist nickname began to creep up on me. I was with someone I though I loved. This woman would later become the mother of my son. I was not thinking right back then. I was different during the day and a new man at night. I wish I could say that this woman was helping me but I think I was hurting her and destroying myself. After she left, I moved on. I was alone but I was also thinking about things to further hurt myself. I did not do drugs but I did drink. I did meet someone to keep me company but this woman was running from her issues. We used each other to hide from our issues. We were not in love but users. Thankfully she left before my evil came out. However, I was in a place I did not belong in. So I drank some more and my mind was filled with more despicable things.

January 2007 was the point to where I was close to rock bottom. I was looking at being miserable but I kept getting blessed with things. I was blessed with a woman that had her own issues. She and I were happy together. However, my issues with my baby momma crept in and I pushed her away. I think that was me being my most evil. The Antichrist was out. However, karma came and slapped the blessing away and also made me wake up to my self destruction.

December 2008 was the last time I think I was at a point of being the Antichrist. I remember being in a small room. I had little electricity, no clean clothes, no soap, no clean linen and alone with my thoughts and the voices of my neighbors. I was not drinking or doing anything drastic. I was working but only for the holidays. I was blessed with befriending AF after letting go of my best friend. I owe AF for getting me out of this funk. I also thank her for causing me to get to the point of getting a degree of something. I remember this point because my body and mind were not in sync. I was glad to be free from the stigma of being the Antichrist and being filled of evil thoughts. I think I am not as depressed as I was back then. One thing that keeps clicking is why I never got to the point of schizophrenia. I was hearing voices and I was doing some evil things but nothing to make me be committed. Whatever that was to not get me to that point, I will never know.

Eugene Chandler III

New Year Revolution: Aspects of Me

Dear Friends,

As I close the door to the end of one relationship, I close the door to another one. I spent the summer and most of the fall being something that I failed at. Unlike my other ex, this one is not speaking to me or wants nothing to do with me. Next blog will explains something I been feeling for years. This blog is going to explore what lead to this relationship to end. Thank god, no cops were called or people were harmed. This is a pattern I will fix but I am going to explore some aspects right now.

As I said in my last blog, I closed the door to a two year relationship. I tried to heal by becoming a would-be stepfather to five kids and a lovely woman. I think I did everything in my power to be something I knew I could be.  I rushed into it too fast but fixed and corrected myself. I did things that I never did before. I think a part of me wanted this to fix my heart from AF. I loved the kids and their mother. I learned compassion, patience, control, and respect. However that was not enough. There was something or someone causing a rift between us. I will say that things did end but with a clean break. No one was harmed per se but something led to this. Rather to dwell on it, I just moved on.

So as I lived through last fall and last winter, I come to the conclusion that it is time to stop dating. At first, I did not want to go through this drastic change but I made a promise to this girl, myself and God that I was done dating. Since last October, I have not had any kind of female touch or presence. I bring this up because all that I learned with these kids and this woman would vaporize in thin air. All I felt was the blanket of loneliness.

So I know what cause this to end. Unlike other endings, this one is bittersweet. The one woman I wanted to have a second chance with and I fail. I fail more so than I did so long ago. That’s what led me to stop dating. That’s what made me become alone. So as I continue to live through 2012, I will keep my promise to be alone. Not single because being single means I will date again. I don’t know if I will date anyone. I am working on myself. I am also hoping to be something more than what I am now. I guess for now, I am finally alone. Something I did not want to be but have to be maybe for now or maybe forever.

Eugene Chandler III

New Years Revolution: The War of 2011 Part Two

Dear Friends,

Well the door is closed with my ex AF. I took her to court because there were some things I did not get out of the place when I was there earlier last year. So I had to wait until some things were in place. Thankfully the whole process of small claims court is simplistic. So this is the blog that explains that process and the outcome in the process. This might be a short blog but this is the finally blog in the AF drama.

I started this journey last summer. I did not want to do this at first but I needed to clear some debts. This journey took me into last fall. I decided to file just after the baseball season finally ended. I was supposed to go to court in December of last year. This was not to be because my ex did not get the notice. So I had to do it a different way. I had to use sheriffs to deliver the notice to my ex. She got the hint.

One thing that needs to be noted is the fact that while I filed the small claims court case, I was approached by the producers of Judge Judy. I was shocked to get a letter from them wanting me to take my ex to the show and do the case on there rather than to do it at the county court. I was all for it but was convinced that it would be better to do it locally and no drama on TV. So I wait to do it locally but that’s when the paperwork could not get to my ex. So I refilled, and again I was approached by Judge Judy show. I didn’t do it again because of the same reasons and other mitigating circumstances.

So we get to this date: January 26^th, 2012. Court starts at 9am. I get there at 8:45am. My ex and her posse were there since 8am. I wait outside until it was close to 9am. I go into the courthouse. I go up a floor and look down and see her sister and friend look for me. I find a way to go to the small claims court room without being seen. I check in at the widow. Her sister sees me and tells her I am here. They call our names. I sprint into the room to where this case would be heard. As I sat there, I see a woman that I use to be in love with. I compose myself to be able to present my case. A part of me wishes things did not end the way they did but my mind and heart was happier without her. The court begins and we present our sides. As I hear her presentation, she does not call me Mr. Chandler. She is still personal to me. Gene and I were used a lot. I called her Ms. F. I never made her feel comfortable. The magistrate listened to both sides. I got a small victory. Some of my things were returned. I might appeal because of some issues but I got a small victory.

I left there happy but empty. Empty because this is the end of this relationship. AF is a footnote in my life. Her family was a footnote and fodder for stories to come. All this mess started with a blog. Even though I was referring to her or her family, I will end this saga with mentioning her name as AF and the family F. So I will celebrate this small victory. Speak to you soon.

Eugene Chandler III

New Year Revolution: The War of 2011 Part One

Dear Friends,

This week is the week I been waiting for. This is the week I get to finish a process that started after my break up with my ex AF. I take her to small claims court to get the remainder of my things and also things that were missing from when I did not get my things. I bring this up because this is the finally chapter of this saga concerning her. I can get these things and move on. This blog will focus on why this is important to me and the healing process of my life.

First of all, getting these things will help me move on and forward. Possessions can be replaced. I know this is true but it is the point of getting these things and also getting these things replaced. I am not taking her to court to see her. Let’s make that clear to you all. I am not trying to see her or talk to her. I just want these things to move on.

Second, I had to wait at least six months to get to this point because of the stress of probation and also the hell of dealing with being labeled a wife beater. I will speak on that soon. I need to get this resolved because I want to be able to try to clean my credit history and also get things straight in my life.

Third, I did not want to wait until the New Year but because of many other factors, it is going to happen now. I don’t have a lot of patience but do have enough distractions to wait until this point I speak of now. A part of me thinks it was a reason that it is occurring now but I just think it was because I pressed the issue until now.

Finally, I think it is fitting that I get this done now because I want to move on. I also want to get what’s coming to me. I say that because most people dwell on the past. I use to be like that bit I am fighting myself and training myself to be a better man and move on with my life. I also think if I move on, then I could also be happier. I guess that’s for another blog entry. That’s all for now, but there is more to come.

Eugene Chandler III

New Year Revolution: A Break From Facebook and the Internet

Dear Friends,

During this week, I have been on a break from Facebook. I did this because I want to see if I can go without getting on the site. I also did it because others have done it and had success with it. So as I am getting things together in my life, this is a big coup for me. I had to go without internet for thirty days but this is voluntary. So this blog will focus on my time not online. That’s going to be hard because it will require thinking about when this happened.

The very first time I was without internet was from June 1999 to September 1999. I think this was because I was in school over the summer but had no internet connection. This was back during the days of dial up and I had to go without chatting on Yahoo or chat sites. I remember this is the first time because I remember that most of that summer was spent hanging out and this was the summer I turned 21 years old. This was also the only time I did not get online except to email but that’s only like five minutes of checking. This was major back then but now it is not as major.

The next time I was without internet was June 2001 to July 2001. This was because I was in Kalamazoo. I rarely spoke about this time period. I was in Kzoo because of a girl and also because I needed a break from Detroit. I basically worked as a telemarketer and got my ass out of Kzoo and back to Detroit. I remember this because I was missing wrestling and this was before spoilers and youtube. I was using Yahoo at the time and was also going without chatting with people. I learned my lesson and made peace with the girl I speak of. This was not as bad as what is to come.

Between April 2003 and September 2003 would have been the third time I was without internet. This was when I was living with my father and his family. Also this was the first year I started at Comerica Park. I guess this was my time to supposedly grow up and go without internet. However, I was so wrong with this frame of mind because the internet was a welcome change of my life. I think this was when I learned of blogging but decided to do it in private until later when I did it via Yahoo and Myspace.

The final time I was without internet was from this past May 2011 to June 2011. This was when I went away up north to serve my punishment of missing court up in the thumb region. Unlike the other times, I did not even have a computer to use while being locked up. I hated this time because I learned that I used the internet both for personal and professional purposes. Being without a computer or internet is not something I like to do. I think the internet is a good thing for people. With that said, me going without Facebook is a good thing only because of the stress and drama involved with the site.

So I can go without internet and I can go without facebook. I have done it with no problems. So when I come back on facebook this Monday morning, I should be able to also get my projects done and more. This is not it for this subject but this is all for now. Speak to you all soon.

Eugene Chandler III

New Years Revolution: Old Fences and Shattered Dreams

Dear Friends,

Recently, I was surprised to see someone from my past. As a way to mend the fences of the past, I decided to speak to her. As we spoke, we both have changed in the years following our separation. Her life was spent doing the right thing and becoming a Christian. Unlike her, I basically did what I did. Speak to this woman made me remember a time in my life that I both hated and also loved. As I am doing things differently for the New Year, I am thankful that this woman not only accepted my friendship again. This blog is about leaving the past in the past and moving forward.

As we talked, I was reminded of a time of when my life was not formed. This woman I speak of knew me when I was learning about love and separating loving a woman and being sinful and lusting the flesh of a woman. This might sound preachy but there is a point at the end. So as I make the effort to re-establish a friendship, I wanted to remember why we drifted apart. It was simply the fact that there was a lie said and trust was broken. I am older and learn to let the past go and she did the same. What’s funny is that this particular woman is part of something that I forgot so long ago.

Most people try to catch up with someone that was lost but in a sense, she was never lost to me. I love technology because I might not have been able to find her if there was not Facebook, Twitter and blogging sites. She’s a writer, so I found her work online. I will admit that her writing is like what I feel about being in love or wanting acceptance. She writes about her life and her struggles. I loved the fact that she’s a blogger. I consider that a kindred spirit connection. She is someone that is just as intelligent as I am. I miss being with a woman with opinions and convictions.

As I speak to her about her past after letting me go, I laugh because she wanted to become a journalist. I was hoping she was. She writes and blogs. She also has a self published novel. I hope to read it because her blogs are real and explain her soul. Unlike me, who uses blogs to shed the weight of the world off my shoulders.  She had a dream and even though she is not on CNN or Fox News, she still uses the power of the pen and the keyboard to convey something to people.

This is someone I want to keep in my life because not only does she understand me but since she kinda was the person that laid some ground work to who I am now. Unlike some of my past friends and lovers, she is in a class in her self. Unlike some of my past friends, she should not have been out of my life but her blogs and stories kept me informed. And with that lovely sentiment that would be my way to end this entry, but there is more to come.

Eugene Chandler

New Year Revolution: MLK Dream or Nightmare

Note: This was written during MLK Day in January but can apply to Black History Month for February.

Dear Friends,

Some time ago was the day of celebration of the life of Martin Luther King. During this celebration, we find ways to use the teachings and speeches from MLK’s life. With that said, it is sad to see that his dream is slowly dying because there are more ignorant people in the world. Not only are there Caucasians but also African Americans who are acting ignorant and lacking the skills to understand MLK’s dream. This is my blog to clearly point out why people are so fucking ignorant and also why I wish MLK’s dream lives on in others.

First of all, it is easy to have common sense but hard to ignore it. I feel that people forget that because too many parents don’t disciple their kids. I am a child of beatings and abuse. It makes me fear and respect my mother. I have common sense. I don’t do anything disrespectful. However, kids don’t have that respect of others and themselves. Dr. King wanted us to do things without confrontation. He wanted us to do it non-violently. What’s sad is that kids don’t give a care that Dr. King is. However, if you ask kids who Jay Z or Kanye West is, they will in a heartbeat. I find it sickening that kids don’t want to know the hell and the sacrifice that my grandparents and great grandparents went through in the 1900’s to 1970’s to give me the right to vote, speak my mind and even become a citizen of the United States. I thank god I have common sense but will love that MLK gave hope to others. He still gives me hope today.

Second, I know the history as to why MLK has a holiday. I was only 2 when MLK day was established in 1980. Most states don’t celebrate it but Detroit and Toledo do. I hate that people will not acknowledge MLK day but will celebrate something idiotic like President’s Day. I hate that most people does not teach their kids that race is nothing but the personality should matter but most parents are taught by pricks and assholes. I love being me and I love that I can be friends with all races.

Third, I am reminded of a commentary from Martin Lawrence. He was joking about how MLK and Malcolm X had different ideologies. MLK was about non-violence and peaceful resistance. Malcolm X was about doing what you have to by any means necessary. In this world, it is more selfish because we are not into sharing with the world. We either want something someone else wants or we steal from others to get what we need. MLK was about social equality and change. All that work and others did is being wasted because the kids now don’t care about what MLK did for my generation or my mother’s generation. Especially in places like Detroit where people are killing their fellow brothers and sisters.

Finally, I think if MLK would be sick to see this world. I think he might be proud to see a man of color in the Presidency but the urban areas would be where he would draw the line. Seeing his home of Atlanta, and places like Detroit go to hell because the government, the younger generations and other factors. Some people might think I am being silly or dramatic but what I see is simply a dream dying. Even after his death, the urban areas were being turned into places of drugs, sin and debauchery. All I have to say is that I will live on with the dream of MLK. I will try to be peaceful and do things without violence. And with that said, that’s all for now but more to come.

Eugene Chandler III