Dear Friends,
As I look out into the outside world, it is cloudy and dark. I have been saying for years that I look at life like if I wear sunglasses. I am not a cheery person. I am not a perky person. I look at life in a realistic view. I did not have a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born into this world poor and black. I relate to those who have nothing and came into this world with nothing. I might joke about people begging for money but those who are begging to eat not help their addiction or get a drink, I think about. I was among them. People who beg have no pride left to hold on to. I have no pride left. When you have lived in shelters and had to endure humiliation and regret, you lose pride.
I might not have traveled the world but I have traveled. I can tell people about going without. I have gone without for years. Most people can say they have a family, kids, work, career, and material things. I can say that I have nothing but the ideals in my head and the memories of mistakes. Most people would think that I'm being negative but to those who have, can you honestly say you been without? Can you remember when you had to endure life at a disadvantage? If you can say that to me, let me know then help those who don't have anything.
Eugene Chandler III
Thursday, November 25, 2010
November To Remember: Thanksgiving Thoughts
Dear Friends,
Ususally I don't say much around the holidays but I had to say something. So it is thanksgiving but it is not the same to me. As I explain it in a previous blog, this holiday is kind of a lost cause. I try to be alone so I don't worry about people pitying me. However, I have people pitying me anyways. Most people think of stuff to be thankful for. I am thinking about people like me who are alone. I have been to shelters and seen what this holidays does to people who have no family or loved ones. Those people I can relate to more than those who have alot.
So what now? Am I going to have a happy thanksgiving? No I am not. Do I have something to be thankful for? Not really. Most people say their kids, work, or something positive. Well I have not seen my son in a long while, so I cannot say him. I am barely working, so I won't be thankful of work. All my thanksgivings will not be until 2011. So this year is a bust. While others are happy to see family and friends. I will be alone. Alone with my thoughts and what's to come in my life.
Eugene Chandler III
Ususally I don't say much around the holidays but I had to say something. So it is thanksgiving but it is not the same to me. As I explain it in a previous blog, this holiday is kind of a lost cause. I try to be alone so I don't worry about people pitying me. However, I have people pitying me anyways. Most people think of stuff to be thankful for. I am thinking about people like me who are alone. I have been to shelters and seen what this holidays does to people who have no family or loved ones. Those people I can relate to more than those who have alot.
So what now? Am I going to have a happy thanksgiving? No I am not. Do I have something to be thankful for? Not really. Most people say their kids, work, or something positive. Well I have not seen my son in a long while, so I cannot say him. I am barely working, so I won't be thankful of work. All my thanksgivings will not be until 2011. So this year is a bust. While others are happy to see family and friends. I will be alone. Alone with my thoughts and what's to come in my life.
Eugene Chandler III
November To Remember: Remembering Why?
Dear Friends,
So as I prepare for this weekend, I already shared why I hate and dread this time of the year. Some people think I am bei ng melodramatic because it is the holidays. I suffer from depression. So why in the hell would I be happy about the end of the year? I might be living in the country but I am not that festive. I am not trying to spread holiday cheer. I'm not trying to ruin others festive mood but do I have to explain why I am not festive. So you know why I hate this time of the year? Well I explained part of it with the ex and the cops. The other part is simple. Basically a tradition ended a couple years ago. My great aunt was the one to do Thanksgiving. Christmas is a different story that I will explain during christmas eve. My great aunt had parkinson's disease and other ailments. So before she got sick, that was the end of Thanksgiving.
Well as I think about people that celebrate with families, I tend to be alone during this time of the year. That's because I think after my great aunt getting sick, I just try to get to the beginning of the new year. I am happy to see this year end because it started off on the foot. I keep thinking that I keep doing the same thing over and over with my life and with my love life. Get hurt, move on, find someone new, fall for them then see the first part. I said that I was happier away from Detroit. I said that because I was under the assumption of love. I will get through this year but it will be hard. So for those who wanted to know, there you go.
Eugene Chandler III
So as I prepare for this weekend, I already shared why I hate and dread this time of the year. Some people think I am bei ng melodramatic because it is the holidays. I suffer from depression. So why in the hell would I be happy about the end of the year? I might be living in the country but I am not that festive. I am not trying to spread holiday cheer. I'm not trying to ruin others festive mood but do I have to explain why I am not festive. So you know why I hate this time of the year? Well I explained part of it with the ex and the cops. The other part is simple. Basically a tradition ended a couple years ago. My great aunt was the one to do Thanksgiving. Christmas is a different story that I will explain during christmas eve. My great aunt had parkinson's disease and other ailments. So before she got sick, that was the end of Thanksgiving.
Well as I think about people that celebrate with families, I tend to be alone during this time of the year. That's because I think after my great aunt getting sick, I just try to get to the beginning of the new year. I am happy to see this year end because it started off on the foot. I keep thinking that I keep doing the same thing over and over with my life and with my love life. Get hurt, move on, find someone new, fall for them then see the first part. I said that I was happier away from Detroit. I said that because I was under the assumption of love. I will get through this year but it will be hard. So for those who wanted to know, there you go.
Eugene Chandler III
November To Remember: Black Sheep
Dear Friends,
So the other day, I was talking to someone about being the black sheep of the family. Now I never consider that when I speak of myself. Until I think about my father and his family. On my mother's side, I am not considered as that but I think I am with my father and his family. The only reason why I think that is because I'm not mentioned much in my father's family. I am named after my father and grandfather but that's all I got. Since I spent most of my life with my mom, my father is a mystery to me. Not only that but my father has been happily married to my step mother for years. He had another son and daughter. Am I close to them? Not really. I was bought up as an only child. I do claim them as my brother and sister. My step mother had a son before she married my father and he's more of a son than I am. I'm not feeling bad but this futher my point.
As I sit here and think about all this, I wonder if that's what my label is with my father's family. After all, I missed both my grandfather's and grandmother's funeral because I could not make it but how I would be received. When my great aunt died, I said she was more of a grandparent to me. Well I remember my namesake (my grandfather) and remember how he would have fun playing with me as a kid. Do I have memories of that with my father? Not really because I remember my father getting me from my mom but we never did anything together. I spent most of my time with my stepmother, and her kids.Again, I am asking myself the question: Am I the black sheep?
While looking up the definition of a black sheep, I came across the fact that it has a negative meaning. I know that applies to me because even though I have my father's name, I am less like my father. I share his name, I share his way of learning anything technological but that's it. When I told him that he's a grandfather, it was kind of too late. My half sister had a son and her son had kids. So I can say now that I am a black sheep of my father's family. I have not been around them ever. I barely know them. I am 32 years old but feel like I'm six and learning my family. I know almost all my mother's family. I am almost invisible with my dad's family. I know my father's family will read this and contact me. So before you react to this, can you honestly say to me you know me? No. Do I know you? No. So now what?
Eugene Chandler III
So the other day, I was talking to someone about being the black sheep of the family. Now I never consider that when I speak of myself. Until I think about my father and his family. On my mother's side, I am not considered as that but I think I am with my father and his family. The only reason why I think that is because I'm not mentioned much in my father's family. I am named after my father and grandfather but that's all I got. Since I spent most of my life with my mom, my father is a mystery to me. Not only that but my father has been happily married to my step mother for years. He had another son and daughter. Am I close to them? Not really. I was bought up as an only child. I do claim them as my brother and sister. My step mother had a son before she married my father and he's more of a son than I am. I'm not feeling bad but this futher my point.
As I sit here and think about all this, I wonder if that's what my label is with my father's family. After all, I missed both my grandfather's and grandmother's funeral because I could not make it but how I would be received. When my great aunt died, I said she was more of a grandparent to me. Well I remember my namesake (my grandfather) and remember how he would have fun playing with me as a kid. Do I have memories of that with my father? Not really because I remember my father getting me from my mom but we never did anything together. I spent most of my time with my stepmother, and her kids.Again, I am asking myself the question: Am I the black sheep?
While looking up the definition of a black sheep, I came across the fact that it has a negative meaning. I know that applies to me because even though I have my father's name, I am less like my father. I share his name, I share his way of learning anything technological but that's it. When I told him that he's a grandfather, it was kind of too late. My half sister had a son and her son had kids. So I can say now that I am a black sheep of my father's family. I have not been around them ever. I barely know them. I am 32 years old but feel like I'm six and learning my family. I know almost all my mother's family. I am almost invisible with my dad's family. I know my father's family will read this and contact me. So before you react to this, can you honestly say to me you know me? No. Do I know you? No. So now what?
Eugene Chandler III
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
November To Remember: Remembering Lost Times
Dear Friend,
It was around this time five years ago my life changed not only for the better but also the worse. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I was not work. I was under the delusion that I was happy with my then girlfriend. What I did not know was she and her father plus the police were coming to not only ruin the day but a holiday as well. The week before this occured, we were having some issues but I assumed that we worked it out. (You know what happens when you assume?) So as I was about to watch the evening news, I hear sirens and cop cars coming around the corner. I though it was to arrest someone on the block but I later figured out they were coming for me. So three cops got out of one car and proceeded to come to the door. I was coming to answer it but they were already inside and up into the kitchen. I was shocked to see a cop tell me to freeze. I had my hands up and looking scared until I saw my ex and her father come up and she's telling them I was beating her. I was shocked to hear her say that but not shocked because she would do something like this. One cop pulls me off to the side and calmly say to me: "I will advise you to get your stuff packed ASAP." So I quickly pack my shit up and got it outside. (This is why I don't have alot of possesions. If you cannot carry it out in one trip, you will not be able to get out in time.) So while I was doing this, she was telling the cops that I was beating her and her dad grabs my keys telling me: "This is my daughter's place, so get the fuck out!" So by 6pm on a cold November night five years ago, my life changed.
After I went through that, I stayed with family. Those two days from Tuesday to Thanksgiving were hard. I could not believe this girl would do this to me but I'm glad she did because it made the next few months a transition to better things. I later got myself together and ended up living in Flint for a couple of years. Someone asked me about why I hate Thanksgiving. This was a big reason for that. I was kicked out of a warm place because this girl could not just break up with me, she had to get the cops involved. I wanted to sahre this story for one simple reason:
If you are in love, hope that what you are doing for that person makes them happy. If you are not happy with this person, then tell them and let your soon to be ex know rather than have the police do your dirty work.
I was reminded of this when my current ex told me she was not happy. I just decided to leave rather than to make a bad situation worse. I hated that time in my life but if things did not change then my life might have been a bad kind of different.
Eugene Chandler III
It was around this time five years ago my life changed not only for the better but also the worse. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I was not work. I was under the delusion that I was happy with my then girlfriend. What I did not know was she and her father plus the police were coming to not only ruin the day but a holiday as well. The week before this occured, we were having some issues but I assumed that we worked it out. (You know what happens when you assume?) So as I was about to watch the evening news, I hear sirens and cop cars coming around the corner. I though it was to arrest someone on the block but I later figured out they were coming for me. So three cops got out of one car and proceeded to come to the door. I was coming to answer it but they were already inside and up into the kitchen. I was shocked to see a cop tell me to freeze. I had my hands up and looking scared until I saw my ex and her father come up and she's telling them I was beating her. I was shocked to hear her say that but not shocked because she would do something like this. One cop pulls me off to the side and calmly say to me: "I will advise you to get your stuff packed ASAP." So I quickly pack my shit up and got it outside. (This is why I don't have alot of possesions. If you cannot carry it out in one trip, you will not be able to get out in time.) So while I was doing this, she was telling the cops that I was beating her and her dad grabs my keys telling me: "This is my daughter's place, so get the fuck out!" So by 6pm on a cold November night five years ago, my life changed.
After I went through that, I stayed with family. Those two days from Tuesday to Thanksgiving were hard. I could not believe this girl would do this to me but I'm glad she did because it made the next few months a transition to better things. I later got myself together and ended up living in Flint for a couple of years. Someone asked me about why I hate Thanksgiving. This was a big reason for that. I was kicked out of a warm place because this girl could not just break up with me, she had to get the cops involved. I wanted to sahre this story for one simple reason:
If you are in love, hope that what you are doing for that person makes them happy. If you are not happy with this person, then tell them and let your soon to be ex know rather than have the police do your dirty work.
I was reminded of this when my current ex told me she was not happy. I just decided to leave rather than to make a bad situation worse. I hated that time in my life but if things did not change then my life might have been a bad kind of different.
Eugene Chandler III
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