Birthday Blowout 2011: My Transition into being 33.

Dear Friends,

As the sunsets and the day becomes night, I think about how things are different from this transaction. We thrive during the day and relax at night. We make plans to celebrate at night but we work hard during the day. Lately, I have not had a chance to see a transition from day to night. My transition occurs when I finally close my eyes at night. I picked this trait up while in jail. When you are locked up, day and night does not exist. Time is slower. I feel like my time now is getting rushed by events in my life.


Just like the Janet song goes: “Time flies when you are having fun,” but my time is not flying fast and I’m not having fun. If you know me, you know I rarely have fun in my life. Right now, my fun is in my mind. My mind can’t even be creative enough to give me joy. What’s funny is that my girlfriend gives me more joy that I could ever imagine. So why am I unhappy? Why is my life hard and stressful? I guess sometimes it’s nice to have fun memories but like I said in my last entry, I don’t have a lot of happy memories.

Now, just like the last entry, it might seem like I am ranting but I am venting. Venting all the feelings I had to compressed due to my birthday and also because I am with someone that makes me happy. However, she’s not around me all day and night. I am alone with my thoughts and reminded of my sins and my fuck ups. What’s funny is that my mind tends to focus on what I did wrong because in my mind, I did everything right. So why in the last five years, I have had one girlfriend for every 6-8 months? Only my subconscious, knows the answer but my conscious mind will never ask for the truth.


I am 33 years old now. I should be wiser and smarter but I think for the last 17 years, I have been getting stupider and dumber. I make mistakes because I am human but jeez not like this. I use to think I was cursed but I know that I am just a fuck up with adequate intelligence. So for now, I can say that I am alive but also know that my time is coming up. There will be more to come.





Eugene Chandler III

Birthday Blowout 2011: After Birthday Blues

Dear Friends,

Someone once told me that things get worse before it gets better. I use to doubt that until this week. This is my first blog since my birthday. I was going to blog throughout my birthday but shit happened. I mean it was like I got hit by some bad luck. Even though the night of my birthday was awesome, I missed work and also had to miss work the next day. I usually get depressed and have a case of the birthday blues because I’m a year older but what I feel is making me more depressed.

I have been having a rough and stressful week. I think I hit the point of which I am losing my mind. I am madly in love but everything else is going up in smoke. I am looking at how my friends and classmates are moving on and forward in their lives. My life is a messy puzzle with a lot of missing corner pieces. I am starting to think I am truly curse in some situations. I am happy and in love but that’s not enough. Love is only a piece of happiness but the rest of life needs to be completed.

I know it seems like I am ranting more than usual but my point is that after my graduation in April, the fact that I lost a month to owing child support, and other circumstances, I think I’m losing it. I have a smile on my face but my soul is bruised. I wake up feeling less like the man I was in April. I might be happy with my new girlfriend but my demons keep coming up to remind me of how unhappy I should be. As a 33 year old man, I still wish for a simpler time but I have none. There will be more to come.





Eugene Chandler III