Dear Friends,
The following are a group of blogs I wrote last month. They will discuss why I stopped blogging and other issues I dealt with. I will be blogging more this month and eventually will be doing vlogs and blogs all next month. Here are the blogs for September:
In the last two months now, I have been fighting a lot. I have been fighting the end of my latest relationship. I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting to see my only son. I have been fighting myself. I am trying to see the positive of things but all I keep seeing is the opposite. I consider myself a realist and look at the here and now. However, I keep thinking about what’s to come. As I am writing this blog, I am at the last lap to at least getting my associates degree in business management. About three years ago, I was close to graduating with an associate in marketing at another school. About ten years ago, I would have had my bachelors’ degree in business and communications. I could have my degree two times over but I allowed someone to fuck my life up. I also allowed depression and other shit to make me fall from grace.
So during those times in between going to school, I would pick myself up and try to move on. However, my weakness of being in love had prevented me from being happy. I have had people tell me that I need to love myself before I love another woman. The truth is that I love myself enough to live with my faults. I also have love for others but in all honest, I feel like that is becoming a weakness. Lately, I find myself in a shitty situation. I live with someone that is not happy to be with me. However as of late, this same person is doing whatever it takes to upset me. I’m not letting her but that’s becoming a battle. I am stuck in my life. I am trying my best to not let the shit affect school.
So what do I do with my life? I am moving on with my life. I am focused on school. The internet is my mistress and school is my lover. So I guess I am also back to blogging since therapy is not work. I have been doing my best to uplift my life and also try to keep on the straight path. I have until May 2011 to finally finish school. After close to 11 years of being in college, I can say I have some kind of degree in my possession. Will I find love? For now, I can say that I do have a network of friends to help me keep what little sanity under control. So for now, this is my Genesis. My rebirth of my life and of what I am capable of doing to help others and gain peace in my life.
For the first time ever, I am dating. As you know, I don’t like that word. Dating to me is basically a way for women to reject you. You can talk to 500 women but only like one or two will be suitable for you to be friends with or something more intimate. The other 498 are looking for sex, a sugar daddy, or something worse. In my case, a lot of my ex-girlfriends were special cases. There is a book I am reading called: “The Seven Dumbest Mistakes in Relationships That Smart People Make”, and in the book it talks about trying to not be a savior in the relationship. I think I am guilty of trying to save these girls from life but I find myself getting fucked over in the process. In a previous blog, I talked about my relationship with my ex fiancée who is also my best friend. As friends, we are cool but our relationship was not a great one.
As I try to see if I am capable of loving someone else, I remind myself of all the mistakes I made. I remind myself of all the nights of praying that I find someone to love me just to get fucked over in the process. I remind myself of allowing myself to fall in love but also ending up having my secrets and my dreams crushed. In the last ten years, my dating situation went from being happy to miserable. I can at least count how many women had the pleasure or displeasure of being in love with me and one came close to marrying me. At least one had my son, but even that relationship is strained. Am I that bad of a person to date or even love? I cannot answer that but there are some can tell you that I am the devil or the anti Christ.
So what do I tell women that want to be my friend or more than my friend? I tell them truth about my life and my past relationships. My current ex was obsessed with knowing everything. I learned that people does not need to know everything about someone. Especially, if those secrets come back to bite them in the ass like if you tell someone about being molested, or worse. So if you are interested in knowing me, please understand that everything with me is all about earning my respect and trust. Something my ex could never do because of outside influences. So for now, love each other and try to see love in each person in your life.
As I sit here looking at the screen to type this blog, I was thinking about the lack of blogs. I stop blogging just before the end of March/early April. Originally, I stopped to get through finals and also get ready for baseball. Then I started to see the end of my current relationship which occurred in late June/early July. I know I could have stopped it and I could have loved this woman but the truth is that I wanted it to end because I was not dealing with the same woman I fell in love with. That woman decided to let people get into her head, and also she started to do the exact same thing my ex fiancée did: she was looking elsewhere to get what she wanted. So why am I blogging now? I said earlier that therapy was not helping me. Every time I go to therapy, it would make me feel better but then I would feel empty and them my ex would fuck it all up. So I came to the realization that these blogs help me see my life in the way I should. I’m honest with myself and can admit my mistakes.
I learned that writing is my way to vent. My first time of blogging was before the internet became popular. I would write in my journal from 1993 to 1995. I stopped during my senior year of high school. I started back in 1996 but there are some gaps from 2002 to 2005 and from 2007 to 2008. That’s because those sites I would blog on were shut down. The funny thing is that fall of 2006 was when my life changed. So I have done my best to keep my life in check but my depression tends to fuck up a good thing. I’m not using that as an excuse but when you are depressed, you don’t want to shit. As of right now, I am not as depressed as I was in 2007. I think I am trying to fight through it to make sure I see 2011 and beyond.
So am I back to blogging? Hell yeah! Blogging is my way to share my life to the world. In high school, I did not want people to know the shit I had to overcome and deal with. In 2010, my life is going to become an open book. I have lived in the shadows too long and I want to see the light. So you could say that this is my season premier of my blogs like how TV shows premier in the fall. I am going to make this work.
Recently, I found out that my ex girlfriend has been talking to men that I work with. Now I should not be concerned or worried but the truth is that I am worried and scared. I’m scared because she’s telling these guys my secrets and my flaws. She’s also telling these guys my business by saying what I did wrong to her. Now that is making me look bad at work but also making her look bad because if a woman bitches about her ex to another man, there must be something there. Do I want my ex back? I cannot answer that but can say that I do not want the person that I’m living with now.
I recently read about how some women want their ex back but before they do they must look at the past and see if the past can’t be repeated in the future. I know my ex does not want me. I know she wants to fuck with all the guys I work with just to upset me. I also know that if I allow her back into my life, I am a pitiful excuse of a man because I don’t want to be alone. If you know me, you know that I hate being alone. Aside from that, she and I are different people. I want someone that is on my level and she wants someone to basically have no dreams or goals in life.
People have been telling me to move on and I have. She has been doing the same thing. The only difference is that my focus is on school and she has been doing everything to upset me. So what now? Well for now, I am going to keep working on myself. I am also going to focus on my life. I am going to do my best to move on because this relationship was the worst I have ever been with. More to come.
(Please note that these were written in late September and early October. There will be more to come.)
Eugene Chandler III
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