New Year Revolution: Aspects of Me

Dear Friends,

As I close the door to the end of one relationship, I close the door to another one. I spent the summer and most of the fall being something that I failed at. Unlike my other ex, this one is not speaking to me or wants nothing to do with me. Next blog will explains something I been feeling for years. This blog is going to explore what lead to this relationship to end. Thank god, no cops were called or people were harmed. This is a pattern I will fix but I am going to explore some aspects right now.

As I said in my last blog, I closed the door to a two year relationship. I tried to heal by becoming a would-be stepfather to five kids and a lovely woman. I think I did everything in my power to be something I knew I could be.  I rushed into it too fast but fixed and corrected myself. I did things that I never did before. I think a part of me wanted this to fix my heart from AF. I loved the kids and their mother. I learned compassion, patience, control, and respect. However that was not enough. There was something or someone causing a rift between us. I will say that things did end but with a clean break. No one was harmed per se but something led to this. Rather to dwell on it, I just moved on.

So as I lived through last fall and last winter, I come to the conclusion that it is time to stop dating. At first, I did not want to go through this drastic change but I made a promise to this girl, myself and God that I was done dating. Since last October, I have not had any kind of female touch or presence. I bring this up because all that I learned with these kids and this woman would vaporize in thin air. All I felt was the blanket of loneliness.

So I know what cause this to end. Unlike other endings, this one is bittersweet. The one woman I wanted to have a second chance with and I fail. I fail more so than I did so long ago. That’s what led me to stop dating. That’s what made me become alone. So as I continue to live through 2012, I will keep my promise to be alone. Not single because being single means I will date again. I don’t know if I will date anyone. I am working on myself. I am also hoping to be something more than what I am now. I guess for now, I am finally alone. Something I did not want to be but have to be maybe for now or maybe forever.

Eugene Chandler III