Dear Friends,
Well after being in love and doing the right thing in my life, I am back to being alone and very confused. I spent the better part of the summer and most of the fall being with someone that made me feels better about my life and what things I needed to change. However, the relationship was not meant to be. What’s tragic and ironic is this is the second and sad to sad the last go around for this person. Unlike my break up with my other ex that ended with me going to jail and being on probation, this relationship caused me to think about things I would never think about again. Before I go into my life changing thought, let me try to explain what caused this relationship to end. This is from my point of view:
Michelle M. was my first girlfriend. We met in high school. We had some things in common. We clicked and it was great until she was forced to drop out. She said I was stalking her but I wanted to see her more that school. Her grandparents did not like her dating a black male. I spent all junior and senior year at high school trying to forget about her and living life my way. So we fast forward to this past July. After talking online for two years, we decided to go out on a date. We go to the movies, then one thing lead to us getting it on. I end up moving in with her and her five kids. Her mom was there also to remind me why our relationship in high school just ended. Up until two weeks ago, we were able to work things out but she dumped me because of CPS. The reason why CPS is sniffing around is due to her ex-husband’s molestation charges which was dropped was refilled and new charges were added. Basically his step daughter claimed he had sex with her and touch her all over. Now, Michelle used CPS as a scapegoat but the truth is that she did not like my methods for raising and treating her kids. I was raised to respect my family, never curse, and basically fear and respect my elders. Her kids are ok but its bad when 3 of 5 kids are on pills for ADHD, ADD, and more. As much as I loved her and her kids, the tide was coming and she had too much on her plate. Plus it was clear to me that no matter what I did for her and the kids, it was not enough.
So on Monday, I had an epiphany about my life and that also this was going to end. I waited until she confirmed my fears. What’s funny is that there were times where I could have left but I wanted to prove a point that I could do it. I wanted to show her and myself that I could be a great father and provider. It was not in the cards. Unlike Andrea, I am not mad or upset. However, I am very glad to have had a chance to get with someone I wanted to see if things could work. That answer is no, and I remembered that rules was broken to date this girl. Rather than to obsess and waste my anger, I will try to get my life in order and finally love myself.
The cycle I have been going through these last few years are causing me to think I am crazy, or I am a bad man. After Andrea, I know that I had a right to be upset at myself for what happened. After Michelle M, I really think I can let go of the past once and for all. No more obsessing about women I should have been with or women that would be great for me. I hate being alone but this time around, it is time to be alone and reflect. I already will be without a lot and with the holidays coming, I really do hate to go through this mess again. So for now, I will be strong and also work on being and getting happy. This is all for now but more to come.
Eugene Chandler III
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