Dear Friends,
According to my calendar, it is close to the end of March
and the beginning of April. This year is 1/4th over as of April 1st.
I can honestly say that this has been a good year so far. No drama, no stress
and no real reason to be depressed. Usually, I would write when depressed or
stressed. Albeit, there were some issues but that was old business from 2011.
There is something that is bothering me a bit that I want to talk about. This
time last year, I was gearing up to graduate from community college and also
start a new life. What’s funny is that last year, I honestly was optimistic
about what’s to come. What I did not know was that my life would change. This
year has been different because I am focused on one thing: day to day events.
This is going to be about that simple ideology.
Back in 1996, most people could expect me to have a plan of
what’s to come. My college sweetheart would be able to know what I am thinking
and how it was going to be done. She called me a master planner. I have always
planned my life and what I needed to do. Back then, it was easier to know the
events of what’s to come. I miss those days. My best friend would let people
know that I was planning. She would ask me what I am thinking and then see the
wheel rolling in my head. Just like my college sweetheart, they know I was
planning and implementing whatever I had in motion in my head. Again, I miss
those days.
After 2003, it was different for me to plan what’s to come
because a lot was going on. I lost my place but knew where I could live until I
got a new place. What changed was the innocence I had back then. I would not
expect life to hit me with so much and not feel it. I honestly think that most
of my dreams were feigning away. I would not expect my life to change but it
did. I keep thinking that I was not expecting to be going to rock bottom but I
was at rock bottom back then, and it was an experience that I went through more
than once.
The first actual ideology of living day to day was in 2007
after my son was born. I stopped trying to look forward past today. If I was
able to wake up then I was able to fall asleep. I learned that if I see a
sunrise, then I will see it set in the same day. During this time, I was
rebuilding my life. It’s hard to rebuild when you see so much promise wasted on
bullshit. I keep reminding myself that from January 2006 to April 2008 were the
times in which my life had little to no meaning. Seeing a sunrise was an
accomplishment. Going to bed at night was an accomplishment.
Day to day is something I wish got me through some of my bad
days. With the events of late 2011, I wished I just took my time and lived day
to day but I was trying to move forward quickly. My biggest issue is my lack of
patience. I also suffer from the fact that most of my anxiety is from the lack
of peace I have in my life. I guess it is just my way for time to pass quicker.
One of my favorite songs in called, funny how times flies.
It is funny when you live day to day how time flies quicker. One thing that I
am traumatized about from being in jail for 30 days was that time slowed down.
Living day to day does make time fly but not as quick as it should. I guess
right now, living day to day is a blessing and a curse but I will try to let
life guide me not try to rush through life again. That’s all but there is
always more to come.
Eugene Chandler III
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