Dear Friends,
Even though
I promise myself that I would not bring this up, I feel that I might need to
not only remind people of this but to also show people that nothing can stop
someone from beating things. If you don’t know I suffer from clinical
depression. I have been diagnosed since 2005. I think only a few people until
now knew this. Most of my former girlfriends knew but not a lot of my friends. I
remind people of this only because of what’s been going on in my life and because
of a previous blog about this month and next month. This entry is about my new
bout of depression.
Before I
continue, I don’t want to hear anyone say shit to me about complaining about my
life or anything like that. Unless you have lived my life, don’t come to me
like you got any right to shut me up. With that said, let me explain why I
decided to write about this. First of all, I have been fighting this depression
more so since June. After what happened to me, I knew that my short term
happiness was not going to last. I was free and serve my time in hell. I was
happy to go back to work and get my life in order. Even though, I was happy
with Michelle and her kids the feeling of depression was masked. I tend to
think our separation was caused by both of us getting depressed. My depression
always dies in the summer but flared up two weeks before Halloween.
Second of
all, someone though my depression peaked when my son came into the world.
Honestly, my son does not make me depressed but the fact that I am not around
for him does play heavy on my life. I always let people know that I am not able
to see him while I am depressed. Kids feed off their parents and adults when
they are not alright. I learned that lesson while dealing with Michelle’s kids.
I think about my son and hope that he’s ok. I don’t have the means to see him
but I pray for his soul and his health.
Third, even
though I do suffer from depression, I tend to think my depression is like
getting upset. They both have triggers or buttons. My triggers for my
depression are as simple as pie. I was told that my depression is triggered by
the seasons. When I was diagnosed in 2005, it was after working the baseball
season and at the time working for DPS during the cold winter. I also think my
depression was something that was manifesting since 1995 with ironically the
events that occurred with Michelle in high school, and then being alone for all
of my freshman year at college. I dealt this my depression undiagnosed for ten
years.
Lately, I
have been doing a lot more reflection because I have been reading my old
journals. I see in my own writing that I was hiding my depression and also
hiding my issues of the past. I think I did a better job of doing that in my
twenties. In my early thirties, I think my guard is not as strong and I think I
allowed so much to make me weaker. Even in my old journals, I think I was more
focused. Some say that depression kills your concentration. I tend to disagree.
I had fewer distractions in 1996-2000.
Finally, I
find it funny that my cycle of dating started and ended with the same person. I
bring this up because the events of me dating Michelle might have made me see
my life differently. I was a teen quietly dealing with depression but never
committed suicide. Now after we been separated, I see the same thing but
different situation. I know I suffer from depression and I don’t want to end my
life but rather change it. My depression has made me see things differently. So
I hope this is my last time getting depressed. I don’t want to ever take pills
because they tend to change behavior and simply removing stress is a better
answer. There will be more to come but that’s all for now.
Eugene Chandler III
No comments:
Post a Comment